Weekend at Britney's

How could we have missed the signs? The shaving of the head, the performance at the VMA awards, the fact that she her did her last-minute Christmas shopping at a Rite Aid (jumbo Snickers bars for all this year).   As the Brit saga reaches levels of bat-shit mania that no psychic or psycho-pharmacologist could have predicted, Starbuddies takes a moment to give you the meltdown-rundown, a blow-by-blow of Brit’s very busy weekend:

1/3/08, early evening

Brit is enjoying some monitored visitation with sons Sean Preston (2) and Jayden James (1).  Just before 8:00pm, the monitor says “time’s up,” and removes Sean Preston from the house.  As she is strapping him into her car, the door to the house mysteriously locks behind her. 

1/3/08,  8:00pm

There is a “custodial situation” at the Britney homestead, the cops are called.  They arrive to find the monitor locked out of the house.  She doesn’t have on-hand the proper paperwork to allow them to enter the house, so...

 1/3/08, 9:20pm

K-Fed’s lawyer brings the paperwork, and five police cars.    

1/3/07, 10:30pm

The cavalry is called in -- more than a dozen cops, as well as two ambulances and some fire trucks descend on what appears to be an all-out Branch Davidian hostage situation.  Britney’s cousin Alli and Brit’s assistant Carla exit the house, leaving the miserably unstable pop-star alone with Jayden James.

1/3/07, 11:45pm

The cops break in and remove Jayden, while medical professionals strap Britney to a gurney and then tuck her into an ambulance.  She smiles briefly for the camera, but then her face relaxes into an expression of anguish.  The ambulance shuttles her to Cedar-Sinai Medical Center.  Jayden is brought to the hospital in a separate vehicle. Miraculously he is fine (if still a little scarred by his Rite Aid Christmas gifts).    

1/4/07, 12:30am

Brit is placed on lockdown for 72-hours of mental observation.  Officers claim that she was “under the influence of an unknown substance”, although the pop star would later test completely clean for drugs. 

1/4/07, 6:00pm

A court commissioner grants sole legal and physical custody to dad-of-the-year, Kevin Federline.  Brit’s visitation is completely suspended. 

1/5/08, 11:00am

Doctors and professionals at TMZ speculate that Brit has “some sort of bi-polar disorder”.   

1/5/08, 11:30am

Nothing left to lose, Brit’s parents ask Dr. Phil to pay Brit a hospital visit.  She completely ignores him, and by all reports rejects his counsel and tosses him from the room – the first sign of sanity from the pop star in twenty-four hours, so...

1/5/08, 1:00pm

Hospital staff release Spears, she is no longer a danger to herself or others.  If Dr. Phil had entered my hospital room, I would have pulled out my IV and jumped out the window.  We are completely with you on this, Brit, and if you need Starbuddies to testify on your behalf at future custody hearings, just click the “comments” button at the top of the page and we’ll work something out.

1/6/08

Brit’s parents agree to appear on Dr. Phil to talk about their out-of-control daughter.  Hit me baby one more time. 

We all have had bad weeks, but you wake up the next morning, you get yourself a strong cup of coffee, and soldier on, Brit.  Your ejection of Dr. Phil from the hospital bedroom gives us hope, and a reason for me personally to go on and face Monday.