Disappointed in Christina Ricci Lately #1: Speed Racer Hits Long Beach, CA

Why is she doing this? Christina Ricci was making a real actress of herself in movies like Monster and Buffalo 66 and John Water’s Pecker (!) – but come May 9, I will suffer pained sadness when Ricci appears in theaters as Trixie (Speed’s girlfriend) in Speed Racer, a live action film adaptation of the 1960’s Japanese animated series.  You may be thinking, but Japanese animation sounds cool, or even, I like Speed Racer.  Those are valid thoughts, but look at the rest of the cast: John Goodman, Susan Sarandon, Mathew Fox, and Emile Hirsch.  Just how fast can this live action movie be? – and even if you doubt my powers of pure logic, just take a look at the sluggish photos below.  The stars of the movie were out on Sunday promoting this new flick at the 2008 Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach.  Do any of them look particularly fast to you?  I bet you can walk right up to either one of them and rob them just like that.

Knowles Gives Parenting Advice to Jaime Lynn Spears, Who Appears to Be Wearing a Racist Sweatshirt

The people at US Magazine are more subtle than they at first may appear.

Check out this photo, which ran along with an article about Solange Knowles (younger sis to Beyonce) offering parenting advice to Jaime Lynn Spears – apparently, she was a teenaged mom too, and has some pointers for her young counterpart. 

Wait a minute.  Is that a confederate flag on Jaime Lynn’s sweat shirt? 

I wish I were making this up, but US Magazine really did run these pictures side by side.

Solange, stop talking to that redneck. 

T.I. Feels Bad About Losing Money

Isn't it unfortunate when you get caught with an arsenal of machine guns and silencers and end up losing out on a few bucks because of it?  I sure think so, and T.I. agrees.  According to Rolling Stone.com

"T.I. has revealed the loss of several business deals due to his recent convictions. 'GM had to back up off of me. There are films that I missed out on. I’ve probably lost about ten to twelve million dollars,' he told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution."

What's that old saying?  Ah yes, "crime doesn't pay."  See kids?  You should always listen to--oh wait, the interview continues:

"I'm blessed to be able to be out here to make $10 to $12 [million] more. Especially considering I brought this all on myself. So you know —minimal injury. Maximum lesson learned."

So what have we all learned here?  Crime might set you back a couple endorsements and film roles, but you can always make that money back through cd sales, a clothing line, and reality tv.  Remember that, kids. 

Britney Goes Into Studio, Thankfully Doesn't Record Anything

Earmuffs!  Earmuffs!  Britney Spears went into the studio!  Oh wait, she didn't record anything.  Phew.  According to Us Magazine:

"Britney Spears returned to the recording studio this week with former manager Larry Rudolph. 'We went into the studio, but it was just for fun – nothing more,' Rudolph tells Usmagazine.com of their visits to a studio in Burbank, CA Monday and Tuesday. Spears, 26, has not been in a recording studio for the past year, a source tells Us. 'She just wanted to go in and tinker around,' the source says. 'She sat at a piano and got some ideas. She played the piano and sang a bit. She enjoyed herself.'"

Some of the ideas she got included ways to further alienate herself from the public while simultaneously endangering her children, using rainbows for transportation, and meat-flavored ice-cream.  Hmmm, meat-flavored ice-cream, that actually sounds pretty good.  I hope she didn't patent that.

 

Ashlee Simpson Calls Pregnancy Details Personal But Will Show You Her Giant Engagement Ring Instead

When approached by MTV’s TRL on Tuesday, Ashlee Simpson refused to answer any questions about being preggers:

"I just think it's an inappropriate question to ask any woman...That's all so sacred, I need to keep that to myself...But he did a great job at picking out the ring," which she said is being resized.

Apparently, Pete’s money and his gigantic engagement ring is okay for the media to discuss but the scared sea monkey babies gestating inside of her (speculated in our last post) is sacred information and off limits for nosey reporters.

After the story of Alshee’s pregnancy broke on Monday, Wentz said, "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood ... I mean really, this is crazy.”

WTF is he talking about. It still stumps me why people talk about them at all seeing that they’re both nothing but average.  If only there were a witch hunt aimed right at them, you know a crowd eager to crucify the retarded.

Kate Hudson Wants Another Baby, Owen Wilson May Have To Pony Up

Kate Hudson, who is rumored to be dating Owen Wilson again, told the Sunday Times she’d like to have another baby soon:

“I’m a mom and that’s my first priority...I'm at that place when I'm ready to have another one and Chris and I are not together. I'm like, 'Oh no. Uh-oh! I'm ready'...Any guy I ever meet is always going to come second to my son.”

Hudson currently has a four-year-old son, Ryder, with her ex-husband Chris Robinson.

Okay, these might be charming words for those women out there who like to think motherhood rules everything once you finally become a mother, but I’d like to point out that beneath it all Hudson is being a bitch.

Sure, go ahead Kate and ruin a semi-successful career for Chris (what band was he in again?  Oh yeah, the Black Crows) and then relegate him to a meager corner where he exists just to impregnate you again.  Okay, that’s fine, if you’re a bitch.

As for Owen, who Kate warns will always come second after her little boy, is probably relieved even though Kate is gently saying “fuck you” to his known womanizing way.  This guy, who’s last decent movie was Rushmore, was nicknamed “the butterscotch cowboy” shortly after his alleged suicide attempt for his various pony-riding ways.  Who gets labeled a playboy after trying to commit suicide?

That’s just a day in Hollywood I guess.  Everyone wants a baby these days.  It makes headlines in US Magazine and E! News and makes you look like the greatest person in the world even though you’re far from it.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz Predicted To Have A Rave-Barbecue Wedding and Then Mini-Babies

According to Lucy Walsh of MTV's Rock the Cradle,Ashlee and Pete are already discussing wedding plans. Here’s what Lucy, daughter of Eagles guitarist Joe Walsh, told E!:

"She comes from Texas, so I think it will have a lot of southerness to it, but I also think she will incorporate a lot of the punk rock that is her personality. So it will be somewhere in between a rave and a barbecue," says Walsh. "I know she wants to have a really long engagement. They’ve still got a lot they want to with their careers."

Then E! asks the big question, “What are they like as a couple?” to which Lucy answers:

"They are the cutest, they are tiny. They are gonna have tiny little kids, and I just think they are adorable."

Wow!  On occasion I’ve pondered the nagging question of just what precisely makes-up Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s over-all lameness and somehow Lucy Walsh answered it for me.  Clearly they are together because they have no identity and are both pocket-sized playthings and because they have no friends.  It’s kind of embarrassing if their inner-circle consists of an Eagles offspring who would describe their taste as a cross between punk rock and “southerness” and liken that to a Rave-Barbeque.

But is that more embarrassing than the anticipation of what will be the birth of their “tiny little kids”?  I don’t know what Lucy Walsh is thinking, or if Ashlee and Pete will still call her a friend in the morning, but if I had to guess I would put my money on sea monkeys. Don’t we all want to see a bunch of moshing, glow-stick waving, e-popping, sea monkeys swimming in our tap water?  

Oh please Ashlee and Pete, please use your talents to bring into the world this wonderful new species that we can all enjoy at least as much as your music.