When the Movie Just isn't enough

TUESDAY, JUNE 10, 2008
Author: Olena
Tags: Heath Ledger , Heath Ledger

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Heath Ledger’s Brokeback Mountain legacy continues in the only way that makes sense: as an opera.  The premiere is slated at the New York City Opera House in 2013, but people are already salivating for the composing of Charles Wuorinen.  Just when the love story between two sexy cowboys in a handsome landscape is forgotten, you’ll have a chance to see a Jake Gyllenhall look-alike singing tenor.  Or, who knows, maybe Jake Gyllenhall was surprise us by busting out his operatic voice.

You thought things were bad enough when Legally Blond became a musical.  I guess Brokeback Mountain was a little too high class for Broadway crowds.  You need to toast Ang Lee with a glass of champagne during intermission. 

For this one you won’t even have to turn on your subtitles.  Try to picture it with me.  Paper trees, papier mache mountains, and a herd of cattle on stage.  Maybe Annie Proulx will make a guest appearance as the narrator.  Everyone deserves their day at the opera. 

Angelina Jolie Takes Out Sarah Jessica Parker With Kung Fu Panda

MONDAY, JUNE 09, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Angelina Jolie , Sarah Jessica Parker

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The weekend box office rankings are in and Kung Fu Panda, an animated movie staring Angelina Jolie and Jack Black, topped the list at No. 1, raking in $60 million. That’s cool – I mean, I like pandas, Jack Black, animation, movies, whatever, but what really rules is that Sex in the City got knocked down to fourth place. 

Listen, I won’t deny it, I hate both Angelina Jolie and Sarah Jessica Parker, but it’s super important to stamp out the illusion that Manhattan is all pink and in soft focus, that the average person with a job can afford more than two martinis, and that Carrie Bradshaw is actually fuck-able.  Why?  Because since the start of the TV show, I’ve suffered knowing women who’ve actually discussed which of the four Sex in the City characters they “identified with most.”  Seriously, it’s true, and I don’t want a busload of these over-the-hill gal pals suddenly rolling into Port Authority together because this city’s crowded enough.  By the way, I was in Port Authority today shopping at the Rite Aid because I had to.  That wasn’t pink-tinted loveliness.  That was pure hell.  Plus it was 95 degrees and humid.

Oh, and also I want to mention there are only roughly 1000 pandas left in the wild.  Hopefully, Kung Fu Panda with its A-list stars (Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, etc), gong clangs, and super fast kung-fu wind sound effects, will bring awareness to this endangered species so that in the end we can say Sarah Jessica Parker and her stupid movie was brought down by a good cause.

Victoria and David Beckham Working on Another Baby

FRIDAY, APRIL 25, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: David Beckham , Katie Holmes , Spice Girls , Tom Cruise , Victoria Beckham

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That’s right folks, our favorite US transplants from the UK are not only the newest high profile initiates into the Church of Scientology (shown the way by the soft guiding hands of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes), but are busily working on proliferation. The end result, they hope, will be a little girl who will join their already existing brood of three hungry young boys. Oh did I say “hungry”? – as in hungry flesh-eating monsters? – I meant, healthy.  Their daughter will join a family of three healthy boys.

The Daily Times reports:

"The footballer revealed the couple’s bedroom secrets during a chat on America’s ‘The Ellen DeGeneres Show’. DeGeneres quizzed the LA Galaxy star following Victoria’s vow to have a daughter after the Spice Girls tour finished.

Grinning, the proud dad of three boys, said: “We’re working on it”. Earlier this month, his own father, Ted, said: “David really wants a girl.”"

That’s fine, I’m sure a daughter is pretty easy to make when you’re half-alien.  What does it take?  A mannequin, a wig, some duct tape (swished into the shape of a heart) and a mix-tape of general facts like the density of planet earth and how long the Colorado River is and how many times a day an alien should pretend to use the bathroom.

The Daily Times continues the story:

"Meanwhile Victoria Beckham appeared to still be getting over her 34th birthday celebrations, as the sullen-faced star stepped out in Los Angeles with her sons to a shopping mall. While there, she treated her sons to some ice-cream, but the wafer-thin style icon couldn’t be persuaded to indulge herself."

Ah, yes, and a family of half-aliens should know how much time to spend in the sun without melting. And obviously Victoria, formerly known as Posh Spice, has learned by now ice cream can not be consumed by a fully matured alien – dairy and the cold refreshing aftertaste would only blow out her circuits.  Rest assured, America, Victoria Beckham knows her stuff, and this tiny forthcoming baby girl will be in good hands!

"Blade" of Justice Falls on Snipes for Tax Evasion

FRIDAY, APRIL 25, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Wesley Snipes

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He slaughtered vampires with broadswords, he taught Woody Harelson how to alley oop, and I think he may have even done something with Steven Segal (they seem ripe for a buddy picture, no?), but the IRS, completely resisting his Hollywood charms, have sentenced Wesley Snipes to three years in prison for tax evasion, having failed to pay his $2.7 million bill to the government. Harsh!  Why so much time for a misdemeanor?  Prosecutors pushed for the maximum sentence because, as the above photo shows, the actor got cocky about beating heavier charges of fraud back in February.

"Snipes' long prison sentence should send a loud and crystal clear message to all tax deifiers that if they engage in similar tax deifier conduct, they face joining him,”

said assistant Attorney General Nathan J. Hochman of the Justice Department's Tax Division.

If Snipes had not pumped his fists, as above, and given the impression that his conviction on lesser charges was in fact some kind of victory, they probably would have given him a slap on the wrist, CNN seemed to imply.  Let that be a lesson to all of us – no more hotdoggin’. 

I’m a little surprised to find that Snipes has $2.7 million dollars to owe – his most recent titles on IMDB have a “V” listed next to them which, I believe, means direct to video (one is titled Hard Luck).  Now I feel a little bad for him.  Snipes had thrown himself on the mercy of the court during his sentencing hearing (a very un-Snipes thing to do, considering he beat down Jason Straitham in the video masterpiece Chaos), and now he’s looking at hard time.  Big time actors like Denzel Washington even wrote letters to the court on his behalf, but none of it seemed to sway the judge. 

I’m starting an etsy.com store with “Free Wesley Snipes” t-shirts today, as soon as I get my old silk-screener up and working. 

Jennifer Lopez to Star in Own Reality TV Show

THURSDAY, APRIL 24, 2008
Author: Megan
Tags: Jennifer Lopez

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Yes, the very same Jennifer Lopez that cordoned off an entire wing of a Long Island hospital for privacy will now bare all on a new TLC show announced this morning. Co-produced, co-created, and starring J-Lo herself, this is obviously just the next step in the exploitation of her newborn twins to stay in the spotlight (the first being in a People magazine exclusive photo shoot where the children looked over-pampered and miserable).

The series will focus on Lopez “juggling” being a mother and a career woman.  Wait a second, juggling?  That’s not exactly the word I would use for someone who can afford multiple nannies and a private jet to get her to "business" meetings (not to mention several houses in various chic locales).

But I love J-Lo (and “On the 6”), so honestly my reservations boil down to one core concern:  I just don’t want to see her and Marc Antony go the same way as so many celebrity couples turned TV commodities.  Nick and Jessica, Britney and Kevin, Flavor Flav and New York...my heartaches lived through them are many.

Eh, you know I’m gonna watch it anyway.

Everything I’ve Ever Said About Britney Spears Is True!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears , Jaime Lynn Spears

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On Tuesday, Britney Spears was spotted in Beverly Hills making a trip to East West Bank with her father, Jamie Spears, close by her side. As you may remember, Britney’s financial assets are still under her father’s custody so I suppose that means he needs to walk her to the bank as well, and judging from her outfit he’ll probably need to feed her with a rubber spoon and a bib when they hit the Starbucks afterwards for her super-fattening caffeinated frozen beverage.  So what’s up with Brit’s doily collared dress and lusterless pearls? – did she go digging through someone’s garbage?  Did she find those clothes in a brown paper sack next to a KFC?  Did it mysteriously occur to her, blinded first by a sudden bright sun, that those were precisely the clothes she needed to improve her imagine? 

Well, whatever the true cause is behind yet another baffling public appearence, I’d like to point out everything I’ve ever said about Britney Spears is true: namely she is an adorable ragamuffin; she is pining away for a crazy granny that will whip some sense into her with a cane and then drive off on a motorized buggy (Beverly Hillbillies style); and that she should just marry herself because damn that dress makes her look old.

But seeing how Jamie Spears has custody of Brit’s money only until a July 31 hearing, I’m tempted to give Britney the benefit of the doubt – is she smart enough to trick her dad into thinking she’s some kind of church-going old lady who will be tight with her purse? – that would probably be like the smartest thing this little cutie has ever done!

Disappointed in Christina Ricci Lately #2: She’s Still Pissed About “Black Snake Moan”

TUESDAY, APRIL 22, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Christina Ricci

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I don’t know who asked her, but apparently Christina Ricci is still “bitter over the promotional images her 2007 film Black Snake Moan...saying that it ‘exploited’ women,” according to a celebrity news wire that nobody picked up. So, I shall do the honors.  The wire continues to report:

“The 28-year-old actress says that although she enjoyed making the film, the movie poster, in which she appears scantily-clad at the end of a chain held by co-star Samuel L. Jackson, is one of the most ‘disappointing and upsetting things’ that has happened to her showbiz career.”

Ricci snapped, "The whole reason I made that movie was to say, 'Oh yeah, that girl you called a slut probably went through this, so you might not want to use her and throw her away or judge her.  [But] all they [marketing bosses] cared about was college-age boys going to see it.”

Yeah, well?  Here’s the story: ex-blues musician Lazarus (Samuel L. Jackson) finds Rae (Ricci), a young nymphomaniac, badly beaten on the road; he brings her inside his house and chains her to his radiator, and spends the rest of the movie watching her writhe in pain in order to cure her of her loose ways through his own brand of twisted spiritual cleansing. 

Give me a break – Christina Ricci had to have known, scene after scene, as they shot the movie that a gang-load of horny college boys were going to build a bunch of dungeons under their dorm rooms because she sure looked good half-naked and all beaten-up in chains and stuff.

If this movie doesn’t sound like torture porn, call me crazy. Or better yet, just pour blood over my face, push me down a fight of stairs, and laugh.