Amy Winehouse Will Stay In Hospital Indefinitely But Doctors Are Testing For All The Wrong Things!

THURSDAY, JUNE 19, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Amy Winehouse

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After Monday’s fainting spell, Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital from her Camden home in north London. According to the Telegraph:

Amy Winehouse's father, Mitch, said the singer would stay in the London Clinic near Harley Street for as long as possible while doctors try to discover why she collapsed.

Her father, a taxi driver, insisted the Grammy winning singer was making a recovery.

"Amy is doing fine, she is staying in as long as possible," he said. Her spokesman added: "She'll stay for as long as they can find out what's wrong with her. I don't know what's wrong with her and the doctors don't seem to.

"There are various possibilities. It's probably something to do with her ongoing treatment...They are still not quite sure what happened and the tests were inconclusive."

The spokesman denied reports doctors had told the singer to quit drugs or risk dying. A source had told The Sun, "Eventually she won't get up again. The only thing to stop that happening is if she quits drugs."

Wow, that’s a lot going on at once!  I agree they should force Amy to stay in the hospital as long as possible, and while she’s there they should give her a bath, delouse her beehive, fill some cavities and perhaps add a couple extra teeth, and use some lasers on her impetigo.  I know that’s harsh – she looks pretty damaged and it’s a little painful to make fun of her, but it would be crueler to let bacteria and other microbes to continue eating away at her flesh while doctors wasted more time worrying over whether or not drug-use had anything to do with her fainting.

Come on, "Doctors", focus!  We all know "what's wrong with Amy Winehouse."  Just look at these pictures.  This girl needs a gallon of iodine and a whole lot of minced meat pie.  If I have to go to medical school to make that point then god damn it I’m going mail in for an application the minute I get home from work.

Charlie Sheen Regrets Calling Denise Richards Bad Things

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Charlie Sheen , Denise Richards

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It’s taken three years, but Charlie Sheen is apologizing for that voicemail he left for ex Denise Richards – remember, the one she made public where the Scary Movie 4 star went “on a curse-filled rant, calling Richards – the mother of their two young daughters Sam, 4, and Lola, 3 – a "f--king c--t" and a "f--king n----r.” According to usmagazine.com:

In a statement released Wednesday, Sheen said, "I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings."

Sheen added, however, that "three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis" because "my children did not show up today for a custodial visit without explanation."

Sheen – who wed Brooke Mueller last month – has been in a bitter public feud with Richards since they split in 2006. She recently revealed that he gave their daughters necklaces before asking for them back.

So, like seriously, it took three years for this guy to realize his children hate him?  Maybe he shouldn’t give them gifts and then take them away.  Did he have to knock his head with a fist, let the marbles roll around in there a bit, and then come up with the best idea to make them want to show up for their next custodial visit? – this idea being, a public apology for using the n-word three years ago.  There are so many links of logic missing here it’s a lost cause.  But I’m glad to know Charlie Sheen still has feelings – he was pretty good in that movie Pauly Shore Is Dead (in which he played himself).

Nostalgia for your own past can be dangerous to others

TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 2008
Author: Olena
Tags: New Kids on the Block

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That New Kids on the Block pillowcase and sheet set you have will no longer be vintage because guess what – they’ll probably be making them again. Everyone’s heard the New Kids on the Block are getting back together.  Some even know people who have woken up at five in the morning to hear them perform on the Today Show.  I, personally, felt nauseous when I saw them on my homepage this morning.  Is even more publicity for their video “Summertime” really necessary? 


Donnie has had a fruitful acting career and Joey made his video game debut in Dancing with the Stars, but have Danny, Jordan, and Jon just been spending their evenings twiddling their thumbs?  What are they trying to prove by reliving their pasts – everyone gets old, but not the New Kids? 


“Summertime” has all the accoutrements of a boy band.  Their dance routine performed in white suits makes them look anything but sexy.  If anything, the blinding fabric draws attention away from the fact that these boys are in their late 30s and early 40s.   


Their lyrics are just as original as ever.  Who can resist a man who sings, “I’ll never forget touching your body soaking wet” or “you said don’t call after 10 but you know that I did because I couldn’t stop thinking of you?”   


There isn’t anything wrong with reunions, but I think everyone would agree – it’s never as good as the first time, especially when the first time wasn’t that good. 

Britney Spears Covers Up Damien

MONDAY, JUNE 16, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears

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Britney Spears is in Las Vegas, and yeah, with a towel over her stomach as she steps into a hotel pool. First, no one knows why she’s in Vegas or cares.  But secondly, there may be a mystery that needs to be solved if we should want to save the human race from the fires of Hell.  Why I ask, would Brit, whom has in the past unabashedly flashed private parts and even blinding full-frontals, care to hide what must be a smooth sexy stomach behind that rumpled white towel?  After some thought, and a full weekend of watching movies like Sleepaway Camp, An American Werewolf In London, and The Evil Dead, my best answer is Damien.

Considering Britney's recent tutelage under Mel Gibson – during which time I’m sure he taught her Latin by watching and re-watching The Omen -- there's just no doubt a Jew-hating/sugar-tits-loving Damien fetus is making massively evil plans while enjoying a dip in a Vegas pool.

Cruise Thinks Celebrity Psychiatrists Are Going To Kill 6 Million Jews

FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Dr. Drew , Tom Cruise

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Earlier this month, Dr. Drew Pinsky of Celebrity Rehab made some moronic observations in Playboy about Tom Cruise. Basically, he claimed that Cruise’s engagement with Scientology was "a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood – maybe some abuse but mostly neglect." 

Since Cruise is not quite d-list, I’ll assume he is not an actual patient of Dr. Drew.  But even if he were, what about psychiatrist-patient confidentiality?  I would be so steamed if my psychiatrist blabbed to Playboy about my various fixations which are too boring to get into here.    

Anyway, Cruise’s rep fired back:  "The last time we heard garbage like this was from [Nazi propagandist] Joseph Goebbels." 

Easy, Tom Cruise’s rep, you just went from zero to Nazi in under sixty seconds.  Look, none of us like Dr. Drew (anyone who puts Brigit Nielsen in front of a camera lens is unspeakably cruel – to all involved... especially us out here in TV Land), but we must be careful with the Nazi comparisons.  The Nazis were... well... here's a 900-page Pulitzer Prize-winning book that will sort of clear up the inaccuracy of that comparison, and I’m just going to have Amazon send you a copy, okay, Tom Cruise?   Read it this weekend.  Believe me.  The Nazis:  Way worse than Dr. Drew. 

And today, Drew apologizes, through his rep, claiming that he “meant no harm”.   How blithe.  I am now going to neglect him like Tom Cruise’s parents. 

Ashlee Showing Bump Zoologists Be Ready

THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Ashlee Simpson , Pete Wentz

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Ashlee Simpson is reportedly starting to show a bump, but judging by this photo it may be hard for anyone to guess what’s actually hiding inside. If I had to put money on it, I’d say it’s a monkey-koala-munchkin, and if this turns out to be true I want international props for calling it first. After international props, I want to be the first amateur scientist to examine the specimen and determine whether it’s ethical to let it live or die.



From usmagazine.com:

Weeks after confirming she's expecting, a pregnant Ashlee Simpson is starting to show.

The newlywed (see photos of celeb brides) popped by Hollywood's RenMar Studios in a flowy maxi-dress with a plunging neckline on Monday.

Her husband Pete Wentz recently admitted he was "nervous ... the first time I ever went to the doctor's office."

But after hearing the baby's heartbeat, "I felt totally content and at peace with everything," he said. "It feels good."

Obviously, it was important for Pete Wentz to go to the doctor for the first time.  Maybe he should try the dentist next.  But I digress, the important thing is that after hearing the triple throb of his monkey-koala-munchkin’s growing heart, the proud father-to-be was able to rest assured, knowing without doubt the baby is in fact his own.  God damn, this couple is so cute!

Linda Bollea Proves Hogan Knows Best

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Brooke Hogan , Hulk Hogan , Linda Bollea

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Brooke Hogan confirms her 48 year-old mother, Linda Bollea, is dating 19 year-old Charlie Hill. Not only does the famed buxom daughter of Hulk Hogan know this Charlie fellow, she knows him kind of well.

Brooke told E!:

"I went to school with him...He was a grade under me...I'm totally freaked out. This is really weird... I personally don't like it at all, or condone." 

But no matter what, Brooke said, "She's my mom so I have to show her support."

"I am just staying the course and dealing with it and supporting my family...I thought we were one of the normal Hollywood families. It's crazy watching it all fall apart, but I hope for the best."

I don’t know too much about the Hogan family, except that Hulk Hogan used to be on Mr. T’s side when WWF still claimed to be “real wrestling”, but I’m tired of people supporting dumb shit they don’t agree with.  Guess what?  I don’t "condone" Brooke Hogan looking like a man.  And you know what? – I’m not going to support it.  And guess what?  I’ll tell you what – I’m also not going to support Brooke’s brother Nick’s reckless driving that put his best friend on life-support, but I AM going to support the jail time he’s now serving. 

Listen people, this stupid I don’t condone it but will support you because I love you and everything works out for the best crap is how people like Britney and Jamie Lynne Spears get pregnant.  It’s how decent hardworking hos get played by their pimps or baby daddy boyfriends.  So make up your mind, Brooke, either put your mother in a headlock until she cries "uncle" and promises to lose the pimply teenager or say, “Charlie Hill you’ve got the best name in the world” and mean it.

As far as I’m concerned, Bollea is my cougar hero.  A 19 year-old?   That’s bad ass.  Even Aston Kutcher was in his 20’s when Demin Moore scooped him out of the cradle.  Congratulations, Linda Bollea, on leaving Hulk Hogan for being a cheating bastard, on pissing on social convention...I just want you to know, now with little Charlie Hill tucked somewhere in your 48 year-old rock hard body you're also an inspiration to me and some of my friends.