Topless Matthew McConaughey Stares Down Picnic Table

We must assume that film star Matthew McConaughey—once famously roused, naked and drug-addled, mind you, in his home by police after neighbors complained about his late night bongo playing—has no intention of ever wearing a shirt again.  Certainly his sculpted abs, bulging pectorals, and python arms warrant, if not demand, regular exhibition.  But worries abound amongst his legions of fans, including a large number of sexually-confused, prepubescent boys, that his incessant desire to expose himself, behavior enabled by celebrity magazines (present company excluded) who regularly showcase in their pages his muscled torso, might swell his head a bit.  This, they fear, could sway the delicate internal artistic balance that he has relied upon to deliver some of the most stunning individual acting performances (Sahara; How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days) since the creation of the I-Pod Shuffle.  So it was with great consternation to his most ardent supporters to see a recent picture of McConaughey (In Touch, July 30, 2007), sans covering garment, going eye-to-eye with a picnic tale.  While the In Touch blurb accompanying the snap claims the action hero was merely doing push ups with friends in Malibu, and McConaughey himself proclaimed that, “It’s fun to feel healthy, and it’s fun to feel good,” we are skeptical.  Says one professional trainer, who, we must divulge, has never met the actor, and has not himself worn a shirt since 1985, “My feeling is he’s angry with the picnic table, most likely because its top is harder and flatter than his stomach.”  The trainer continued that, “Despising inanimate objects because of their aesthetic advantages over the human form is really just a cry for help...He needs to get a grip on something other than a piece of wood.” The trainer concluded,  “I think wearing a turtle neck, or even just a loose vest with nothing underneath, might aid in his recovery.”