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Tom Cruise’s Forthcoming Unauthorized Biography Proves He’s Insane (Again)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 08, 2008
Author: Wilfred Steptoe
Tags: David Beckham , Katie Holmes , Nicole Kidman , Scientology , Scientology , Suri , Tom Cruise


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Accusations attributed to a forthcoming biography of Hollywood galactico Tom Cruise have been described as “nutty” by his lawyer. The biography by British author Andrew Morton was further branded as “tried lies” with one particular claim labeled “absolute hogwash.”  Whatever, if the words “nutty” and “hogwash” are all you can come up with in defense against a book that gives the world informative, thorough, blow-by-blow accounts of “crazy” by Cruise and his spawn, well, that makes you one, a bad lawyer, and two, a liar.

The Daily News reports Morton’s book claims:

  • Cruise has become the de-facto 2nd in command of the Church of Scientology.
  • Cruise threatened Nicole Kidman with the release of sex tapes if she spoke out about their broken marriage.
  • Cruise has recently been assigned to recruit the Beckhaminto the Scientology fold.  (That’s an easy one since Victoria Beckham already looks like an alien)

The former Mission Impossible star remained tight-lipped about the accusations but his lawyer, Bert Fields, has chastised Andrew Morton stating “the man should be ashamed of himself and so should his publisher [St. Martin’s Press]”  Again, bad lawyer, “chastising” and “shaming” can hardly be considered sweat-beating badass lawyer moves – the man needs to get some skills.

Andrew Morton himself is a controversial figure having gained notoriety with his dubious 1992 biography of Princess Diana. He was once described as “loathsome” by Sir Bob Geldof (expletive probably deleted) and as a “specky little tit” by his own mother (speculation). 

In one of the more offensive passages of this recent biography Morton allegedly likens the birth of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter Suri to Rosemary’s Baby.  Cruise is thought to be considering legal action on the grounds of defamation of character. The Devil is rumored to be considering a similar course of action.