Pamela Anderson Marries Rick Salomon to Prevent the Shaming of Their Bastard Child

In Touch magazine reports today that Pamela Anderson’s recent nuptials to spoiled rich kid star of 1 Night in Paris, Rick Salomon, was spurred by a positive pregnancy test. Could Andersen be preggers with Salomon’s snapper?  She denies it in her online diary, but In Touch insists:  she’s with-child, and that is why they got hitched.  This quaint assumption makes me wonder whether In Touch magazine is run by a staff of Dutch Amish editors – their values feel very 18^th century to me.  To assume that Anderson and Salomon would marry one another to keep to tarnishing the soul of their unborn child is so nieve in the extreme, they may as well have reported that their baby was delivered by a stork or some kind baby fairy.  Such a wholesome couple:  can’t you see Salomon sitting in the den, wearing a cardigan and a tie, smoking a pipe, while wifey Pamela serves him a TV dinner before they go off to their separate twin beds for the night? 

For shame on the illegitimate children of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn! Look to the fine example of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon, a moral beacon for us all!    

Look, I’m sorry to break this to you, In Touch, but these are people who have sex with the lights on –  we’re talking flood lights, spot lights, and a few lasers borrowed from a Pink Floyd show.  And then they sell the performance on DVD, with a commentary track.  The consequences of their sexual activity – hmmm, probably not that important to them (although you should still check their medicine cabinets for Valtrex, if you are going to have sex with either of them.  Just a precaution).

And there’s no Easter Bunny either.