Ashley Dupre Is Still Trying to Sue Joe Francis

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Ashley Dupre , Joe Francis

---

Ashley Dupré should just marry Joe Francis instead of trying to sue him. They are perfect for each other - together they can continue to ruin lives and ensure a certain level of sleaze is ever-present in our society.  But according to E!:

The game is still on as far as Ashley Dupré'scamp is concerned.

A source tells E! News that the notorious New Yorker's lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is still alive and well, despite Francis' earlier claim that she was abandoning her effort to extract $10 million from his flesh-fueled empire.

The often legally engaged entrepreneur told Access Hollywood that Dupré's attorney had informed him that she would be a "no-show" for her scheduled deposition Wednesday and would then be dropping the case and "issuing an apology to me."

To which Dupré's attorney replied, Um, not so fast.

"The deposition was postponed weeks ago," Florida-based lawyer Richard Wolfe said Tuesday. "I am going on vacation for three weeks and when I return, we will re-set a new date. And if they settle, they settle."

A rep for Francis didn't immediately respond to a request for comment.

Dupré sued him in April for unjust enrichment, cybersquatting and violations of Florida's unfair competition statute and its unfair trade practices act for trying to peddle barely legal footage of her shot in 2003 after she unintentionally made a name for herself this year when ex-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was caught frequenting an NYC escort service.

Oh really? That’s a lot of $$ she’s going after for...ummm...cybersquatting? What the hell is that?  Whatever it is I’m sure she’s gotten paid for it before.  Seriously, this girl should be in jail.  I mean, if this were an episode of Law & Order Sam Waterson would’ve gotten this girl’s confession, nailed Spitzer, AND would've still had enough extra dirt to throw this little ho in the slammer. 

RedOne Calls Heidi Montag a Star But It’s The Reefer Talking

TUESDAY, JUNE 24, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Heidi Montag , Spencer Pratt

---

Famed Moroccan and Swedish producer, RedOne, who has worked with the likes of Kat Deluna, Shakira, and Wyclef Jean, can now add Heidi Montag to his list of musical talents, but this of course probably happened during a moment when a slight ripple in time split the earth’s atmosphere for a fracture of a nano-second, and by a stroke of ill-fate, caused a screw to come loose in RedOne’s brain at the exact moment he inhaled a too-tightly-packed blunt. After a temporary set-back in his mental capacities, he agreed to produce Montag’s new single “Fashion” and then said these words to usmagazine.com in an interview:

Us: Tell Us about "Fashion." - It sounds amazing. The song is all about fashion and all about her - shopping, clothes, her whole aura. She's really taken it to the next level.... We are working on more [songs], and it's crazy, shocking stuff that will surprise everybody.

See that’s the reefer talking.  No one talks about auras, let alone Heidi Montag’s aura which might sting your eyes like the sheen off fiberglass on a hot day.

So you wrote "Fashion?" - Yes. I'm writing and producing her whole album. We are going to do it big. She finally found someone she connected with — me. It's all about the connection. When it doesn't work with an artist, it doesn't work. With her, it's perfect. You can tell in the music that we connect.

You mean someone other than Heidi wrote those lyrics?? – and it’s not Spencer?  Crap, no one can be that dumb.  It must be the reefer talking.

Can Heidi sing? - Definitely. She's really good, and I love her personality and the way it comes through in a song. She makes you believe it. She's great in the studio.

All I’ve ever wanted to believe in is magic, but I’m not sure Heidi’s making that happen.  Maybe I need a reefer.

What does Spencer do in the studio? - He just chills - he loves listening to her.

Obviously, he's also picking at a hang nail and bleaching his hair with a toothbrush.

Will she sign to a label soon? -We don't want to talk about that yet. We have offers and big things, but [we're] taking our time. The label is the easiest part. Once you find the right music, it's over!

Where do you see her career going? -I definitely think she's a star. She has a star quality — a powerful personality with no limits. She can do anything and make it sound credible. She's a born star.

See, after the ripples in time meld back into the smooth molecular equilibrium of the atmosphere as we know it, and the mental capacities of RedOne returns once more, he’s going to have a bad case of dry mouth and a hankering for pudding pops and maybe it’ll take a day or two, but all this will come back to him and he’s going to need another reefer to forget it all.  Fortunately, I vow to be there when this happens.  What a win-win for me.  I could provide a shoulder to cry on as well as pull out a silver case of quality weed for somone who deserves it.

Dad: "Poor Amy won't listen to me," but is crack really the problem ?

TUESDAY, JUNE 24, 2008
Author: Olena
Tags: Amy Winehouse

---

What do you do when you’ve fucked up as a parent and your daughter turned celebrity won’t listen to you anymore? You tell the national newspaper that your daughter will be “sitting there like an old person with a mask over her face struggling to breathe” if she doesn’t stop smoking crack.  That’s what Mitch, Amy Winehouse’s obviously over-concerned father did.   Doesn’t he understand that it is really his daughter’s delicate emotional state that needs tending to?  After all, the reason she was in the hospital in the first place was because she fainted when she realized that the Canadian fans who had been waiting in front of her house all day left.

That delicate emotional state obviously comes from the fact that Mitch’s daughter is a spoiled brat.  After all, who would expect their fans to wait outside until they could catch a glimpse of their object of worship?  It was probably a hot day.  The fans themselves could have fainted from the heat.  That would have made more sense.  Then Mitch wouldn’t have been so worried about his daughter’s crack habit.  He could have told the Sunday Mirror something like, “If my daughter doesn’t stop torturing her fans soon, she’ll be sitting there like an old person with crumpled fan letters in her hands struggling to remember the day she was famous.”    

Surf-Tards Come To Matthew McConaughey’s Rescue

MONDAY, JUNE 23, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Matthew McConaughey

---

Matthew McConaughey - the actor known for perpetulally being shirtless and for appearing in whatever random movie that pays him more than a mil – has a new fan club. Apparently McConaughey found himself the object of what looked like an old fashion rumble this Saturday in Malibu when a gang of surfers came to his aide and attacked paparazzi who where sneaking shots of the movie star as he was simply trying to ride some waves.  According to E!:

“One shutterbug told police that a mob of surfers approached the photogs near Paradise Cove where the often-shirtless actor was surfing with friends. The surfers demanded everyone stop filming and taking pictures, but when that didn't happen, things got physical.

"[The surfers] formed a semicircle in front of his camera and they said  [McConaughey] didn't want him to film," Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore told the Los Angeles Times. "They got into an argument, and [the photographer] indicated that he received injuries...[The surfers] took the video camera and threw it in the water."

Wow, what an astonishing display of wolf-like pack behavior and pure man-love.  Check out the video from TMZ.  My favorite part is when the surfers are amping up for the attack and one of them yells “Get a real job,” at a photographer, and then the photographer yells back, “This IS a real job.  What do you do?” 

Meanwhile, as seen in the video, McConaughey was still floating in the water as the brawl broke out.  I’m not sure if pride could’ve been felt while watching this particular group of surfers fight in his honor.  They did seem jobless.  And pudgey.  And they weren’t even surfing.  It’s pretty likely they retreated to their group home after this harrowing display of surf-tardism. 

Lynn Spears Experiences The Miracle of Life

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Jaime Lynn Spears

---

Teen pregnancy may be at a thirty year low in this country, but you couldn’t tell it from looking at trampy ex-Disney star Jamie Lynn Spears, who yesterday gave birth to a girl. The child was christened Maddie Briann.  I can only assume that she made this name up after playing with Scrabble tiles at the kitchen table in abject boredom for nine months.  If there were some kind of pageant for pregnant teenagers, she would be wearing the tiara right now, along with Miss Tennessee, Miss Arkansas, and Miss Texas.  Sorry, I do need to keep that North Easterner bigotry a little more in check.  I’ll tell you what, South, when your representative youth stops wearing confederate flag shirts and getting pregnant, I’ll stop making these sweeping generalizations about you.

Her fiancé, 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, is employed as a pipe layer (and apparently it’s a hobby as well).   

While liberal, arugala-eating, North Easterners like myself are baffled by this sad development in the young woman’s life, it was treated as a fairly normal development among her peers in McComb, Mississippi where it is quite normal to saddle teenagers with the responsibilities of motherhood.  Perhaps, though, I should be more optimistic.  She could still go to night school.   

Lindsay Lohan On Set Of Labor Pains

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Lindsay Lohan

---

In case you’ve forgotten about her, Lindsay Lohan is shooting a new movie in North Hollywood called Labor Pains that involves baseball. Again, the film wouldn’t be complete without a few shots that remind us that LiLo, is our generation’s America’s sex symbol (you know, like Marilyn Monroe as New York Magazine so sagely pointed out).

Here she is lifting her shirt to show us her toned tummy, and then here she is walking around and lifting her shirt to show us her toned tummy, and then there she is texting Calum Best who according to London tabloids has become one of her suitors

I can’t really buy Lindsay has any “suitors” – it must just be British talk for you know a relic term left over from say Jane Austen days when there was social courtship and stuff.  By “suitor” I’m sure even the stand-up London tabloids mean fuck-buddy or some random lay, at least in LiLo’s case.  (Who was that genius that coined her “the strawberry boozer”? – I wanted to marry that guy or girl.)  Anyway, it’s been reported Calum has been trying to rekindle their former romance – according to the Mirror: “Calum can’t wait to see Linds - whenever they meet they always seem to get it on. Lindsay couldn’t get enough of his bedroom antics [in the past].”  That’s some serious suitor moves there.  Classy.  Smooth.  Romantic. 

Amy Winehouse Will Stay In Hospital Indefinitely But Doctors Are Testing For All The Wrong Things!

THURSDAY, JUNE 19, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Amy Winehouse

---

After Monday’s fainting spell, Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital from her Camden home in north London. According to the Telegraph:

Amy Winehouse's father, Mitch, said the singer would stay in the London Clinic near Harley Street for as long as possible while doctors try to discover why she collapsed.

Her father, a taxi driver, insisted the Grammy winning singer was making a recovery.

"Amy is doing fine, she is staying in as long as possible," he said. Her spokesman added: "She'll stay for as long as they can find out what's wrong with her. I don't know what's wrong with her and the doctors don't seem to.

"There are various possibilities. It's probably something to do with her ongoing treatment...They are still not quite sure what happened and the tests were inconclusive."

The spokesman denied reports doctors had told the singer to quit drugs or risk dying. A source had told The Sun, "Eventually she won't get up again. The only thing to stop that happening is if she quits drugs."

Wow, that’s a lot going on at once!  I agree they should force Amy to stay in the hospital as long as possible, and while she’s there they should give her a bath, delouse her beehive, fill some cavities and perhaps add a couple extra teeth, and use some lasers on her impetigo.  I know that’s harsh – she looks pretty damaged and it’s a little painful to make fun of her, but it would be crueler to let bacteria and other microbes to continue eating away at her flesh while doctors wasted more time worrying over whether or not drug-use had anything to do with her fainting.

Come on, "Doctors", focus!  We all know "what's wrong with Amy Winehouse."  Just look at these pictures.  This girl needs a gallon of iodine and a whole lot of minced meat pie.  If I have to go to medical school to make that point then god damn it I’m going mail in for an application the minute I get home from work.

Charlie Sheen Regrets Calling Denise Richards Bad Things

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Charlie Sheen , Denise Richards

---

It’s taken three years, but Charlie Sheen is apologizing for that voicemail he left for ex Denise Richards – remember, the one she made public where the Scary Movie 4 star went “on a curse-filled rant, calling Richards – the mother of their two young daughters Sam, 4, and Lola, 3 – a "f--king c--t" and a "f--king n----r.” According to usmagazine.com:

In a statement released Wednesday, Sheen said, "I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings."

Sheen added, however, that "three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis" because "my children did not show up today for a custodial visit without explanation."

Sheen – who wed Brooke Mueller last month – has been in a bitter public feud with Richards since they split in 2006. She recently revealed that he gave their daughters necklaces before asking for them back.

So, like seriously, it took three years for this guy to realize his children hate him?  Maybe he shouldn’t give them gifts and then take them away.  Did he have to knock his head with a fist, let the marbles roll around in there a bit, and then come up with the best idea to make them want to show up for their next custodial visit? – this idea being, a public apology for using the n-word three years ago.  There are so many links of logic missing here it’s a lost cause.  But I’m glad to know Charlie Sheen still has feelings – he was pretty good in that movie Pauly Shore Is Dead (in which he played himself).

Nostalgia for your own past can be dangerous to others

TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 2008
Author: Olena
Tags: New Kids on the Block

---

That New Kids on the Block pillowcase and sheet set you have will no longer be vintage because guess what – they’ll probably be making them again. Everyone’s heard the New Kids on the Block are getting back together.  Some even know people who have woken up at five in the morning to hear them perform on the Today Show.  I, personally, felt nauseous when I saw them on my homepage this morning.  Is even more publicity for their video “Summertime” really necessary? 


Donnie has had a fruitful acting career and Joey made his video game debut in Dancing with the Stars, but have Danny, Jordan, and Jon just been spending their evenings twiddling their thumbs?  What are they trying to prove by reliving their pasts – everyone gets old, but not the New Kids? 


“Summertime” has all the accoutrements of a boy band.  Their dance routine performed in white suits makes them look anything but sexy.  If anything, the blinding fabric draws attention away from the fact that these boys are in their late 30s and early 40s.   


Their lyrics are just as original as ever.  Who can resist a man who sings, “I’ll never forget touching your body soaking wet” or “you said don’t call after 10 but you know that I did because I couldn’t stop thinking of you?”   


There isn’t anything wrong with reunions, but I think everyone would agree – it’s never as good as the first time, especially when the first time wasn’t that good. 

Britney Spears Covers Up Damien

MONDAY, JUNE 16, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Britney Spears is in Las Vegas, and yeah, with a towel over her stomach as she steps into a hotel pool. First, no one knows why she’s in Vegas or cares.  But secondly, there may be a mystery that needs to be solved if we should want to save the human race from the fires of Hell.  Why I ask, would Brit, whom has in the past unabashedly flashed private parts and even blinding full-frontals, care to hide what must be a smooth sexy stomach behind that rumpled white towel?  After some thought, and a full weekend of watching movies like Sleepaway Camp, An American Werewolf In London, and The Evil Dead, my best answer is Damien.

Considering Britney's recent tutelage under Mel Gibson – during which time I’m sure he taught her Latin by watching and re-watching The Omen -- there's just no doubt a Jew-hating/sugar-tits-loving Damien fetus is making massively evil plans while enjoying a dip in a Vegas pool.

Cruise Thinks Celebrity Psychiatrists Are Going To Kill 6 Million Jews

FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Dr. Drew , Tom Cruise

---

Earlier this month, Dr. Drew Pinsky of Celebrity Rehab made some moronic observations in Playboy about Tom Cruise. Basically, he claimed that Cruise’s engagement with Scientology was "a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood – maybe some abuse but mostly neglect." 

Since Cruise is not quite d-list, I’ll assume he is not an actual patient of Dr. Drew.  But even if he were, what about psychiatrist-patient confidentiality?  I would be so steamed if my psychiatrist blabbed to Playboy about my various fixations which are too boring to get into here.    

Anyway, Cruise’s rep fired back:  "The last time we heard garbage like this was from [Nazi propagandist] Joseph Goebbels." 

Easy, Tom Cruise’s rep, you just went from zero to Nazi in under sixty seconds.  Look, none of us like Dr. Drew (anyone who puts Brigit Nielsen in front of a camera lens is unspeakably cruel – to all involved... especially us out here in TV Land), but we must be careful with the Nazi comparisons.  The Nazis were... well... here's a 900-page Pulitzer Prize-winning book that will sort of clear up the inaccuracy of that comparison, and I’m just going to have Amazon send you a copy, okay, Tom Cruise?   Read it this weekend.  Believe me.  The Nazis:  Way worse than Dr. Drew. 

And today, Drew apologizes, through his rep, claiming that he “meant no harm”.   How blithe.  I am now going to neglect him like Tom Cruise’s parents. 

Ashlee Showing Bump Zoologists Be Ready

THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Ashlee Simpson , Pete Wentz

---

Ashlee Simpson is reportedly starting to show a bump, but judging by this photo it may be hard for anyone to guess what’s actually hiding inside. If I had to put money on it, I’d say it’s a monkey-koala-munchkin, and if this turns out to be true I want international props for calling it first. After international props, I want to be the first amateur scientist to examine the specimen and determine whether it’s ethical to let it live or die.



From usmagazine.com:

Weeks after confirming she's expecting, a pregnant Ashlee Simpson is starting to show.

The newlywed (see photos of celeb brides) popped by Hollywood's RenMar Studios in a flowy maxi-dress with a plunging neckline on Monday.

Her husband Pete Wentz recently admitted he was "nervous ... the first time I ever went to the doctor's office."

But after hearing the baby's heartbeat, "I felt totally content and at peace with everything," he said. "It feels good."

Obviously, it was important for Pete Wentz to go to the doctor for the first time.  Maybe he should try the dentist next.  But I digress, the important thing is that after hearing the triple throb of his monkey-koala-munchkin’s growing heart, the proud father-to-be was able to rest assured, knowing without doubt the baby is in fact his own.  God damn, this couple is so cute!

Linda Bollea Proves Hogan Knows Best

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Brooke Hogan , Hulk Hogan , Linda Bollea

---

Brooke Hogan confirms her 48 year-old mother, Linda Bollea, is dating 19 year-old Charlie Hill. Not only does the famed buxom daughter of Hulk Hogan know this Charlie fellow, she knows him kind of well.

Brooke told E!:

"I went to school with him...He was a grade under me...I'm totally freaked out. This is really weird... I personally don't like it at all, or condone." 

But no matter what, Brooke said, "She's my mom so I have to show her support."

"I am just staying the course and dealing with it and supporting my family...I thought we were one of the normal Hollywood families. It's crazy watching it all fall apart, but I hope for the best."

I don’t know too much about the Hogan family, except that Hulk Hogan used to be on Mr. T’s side when WWF still claimed to be “real wrestling”, but I’m tired of people supporting dumb shit they don’t agree with.  Guess what?  I don’t "condone" Brooke Hogan looking like a man.  And you know what? – I’m not going to support it.  And guess what?  I’ll tell you what – I’m also not going to support Brooke’s brother Nick’s reckless driving that put his best friend on life-support, but I AM going to support the jail time he’s now serving. 

Listen people, this stupid I don’t condone it but will support you because I love you and everything works out for the best crap is how people like Britney and Jamie Lynne Spears get pregnant.  It’s how decent hardworking hos get played by their pimps or baby daddy boyfriends.  So make up your mind, Brooke, either put your mother in a headlock until she cries "uncle" and promises to lose the pimply teenager or say, “Charlie Hill you’ve got the best name in the world” and mean it.

As far as I’m concerned, Bollea is my cougar hero.  A 19 year-old?   That’s bad ass.  Even Aston Kutcher was in his 20’s when Demin Moore scooped him out of the cradle.  Congratulations, Linda Bollea, on leaving Hulk Hogan for being a cheating bastard, on pissing on social convention...I just want you to know, now with little Charlie Hill tucked somewhere in your 48 year-old rock hard body you're also an inspiration to me and some of my friends.

When the Movie Just isn't enough

TUESDAY, JUNE 10, 2008
Author: Olena
Tags: Heath Ledger , Heath Ledger

---

Heath Ledger’s Brokeback Mountain legacy continues in the only way that makes sense: as an opera.  The premiere is slated at the New York City Opera House in 2013, but people are already salivating for the composing of Charles Wuorinen.  Just when the love story between two sexy cowboys in a handsome landscape is forgotten, you’ll have a chance to see a Jake Gyllenhall look-alike singing tenor.  Or, who knows, maybe Jake Gyllenhall was surprise us by busting out his operatic voice.

You thought things were bad enough when Legally Blond became a musical.  I guess Brokeback Mountain was a little too high class for Broadway crowds.  You need to toast Ang Lee with a glass of champagne during intermission. 

For this one you won’t even have to turn on your subtitles.  Try to picture it with me.  Paper trees, papier mache mountains, and a herd of cattle on stage.  Maybe Annie Proulx will make a guest appearance as the narrator.  Everyone deserves their day at the opera. 

Angelina Jolie Takes Out Sarah Jessica Parker With Kung Fu Panda

MONDAY, JUNE 09, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Angelina Jolie , Sarah Jessica Parker

---

The weekend box office rankings are in and Kung Fu Panda, an animated movie staring Angelina Jolie and Jack Black, topped the list at No. 1, raking in $60 million. That’s cool – I mean, I like pandas, Jack Black, animation, movies, whatever, but what really rules is that Sex in the City got knocked down to fourth place. 

Listen, I won’t deny it, I hate both Angelina Jolie and Sarah Jessica Parker, but it’s super important to stamp out the illusion that Manhattan is all pink and in soft focus, that the average person with a job can afford more than two martinis, and that Carrie Bradshaw is actually fuck-able.  Why?  Because since the start of the TV show, I’ve suffered knowing women who’ve actually discussed which of the four Sex in the City characters they “identified with most.”  Seriously, it’s true, and I don’t want a busload of these over-the-hill gal pals suddenly rolling into Port Authority together because this city’s crowded enough.  By the way, I was in Port Authority today shopping at the Rite Aid because I had to.  That wasn’t pink-tinted loveliness.  That was pure hell.  Plus it was 95 degrees and humid.

Oh, and also I want to mention there are only roughly 1000 pandas left in the wild.  Hopefully, Kung Fu Panda with its A-list stars (Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, etc), gong clangs, and super fast kung-fu wind sound effects, will bring awareness to this endangered species so that in the end we can say Sarah Jessica Parker and her stupid movie was brought down by a good cause.

Victoria and David Beckham Working on Another Baby

FRIDAY, APRIL 25, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: David Beckham , Katie Holmes , Spice Girls , Tom Cruise , Victoria Beckham

---

That’s right folks, our favorite US transplants from the UK are not only the newest high profile initiates into the Church of Scientology (shown the way by the soft guiding hands of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes), but are busily working on proliferation. The end result, they hope, will be a little girl who will join their already existing brood of three hungry young boys. Oh did I say “hungry”? – as in hungry flesh-eating monsters? – I meant, healthy.  Their daughter will join a family of three healthy boys.

The Daily Times reports:

"The footballer revealed the couple’s bedroom secrets during a chat on America’s ‘The Ellen DeGeneres Show’. DeGeneres quizzed the LA Galaxy star following Victoria’s vow to have a daughter after the Spice Girls tour finished.

Grinning, the proud dad of three boys, said: “We’re working on it”. Earlier this month, his own father, Ted, said: “David really wants a girl.”"

That’s fine, I’m sure a daughter is pretty easy to make when you’re half-alien.  What does it take?  A mannequin, a wig, some duct tape (swished into the shape of a heart) and a mix-tape of general facts like the density of planet earth and how long the Colorado River is and how many times a day an alien should pretend to use the bathroom.

The Daily Times continues the story:

"Meanwhile Victoria Beckham appeared to still be getting over her 34th birthday celebrations, as the sullen-faced star stepped out in Los Angeles with her sons to a shopping mall. While there, she treated her sons to some ice-cream, but the wafer-thin style icon couldn’t be persuaded to indulge herself."

Ah, yes, and a family of half-aliens should know how much time to spend in the sun without melting. And obviously Victoria, formerly known as Posh Spice, has learned by now ice cream can not be consumed by a fully matured alien – dairy and the cold refreshing aftertaste would only blow out her circuits.  Rest assured, America, Victoria Beckham knows her stuff, and this tiny forthcoming baby girl will be in good hands!

"Blade" of Justice Falls on Snipes for Tax Evasion

FRIDAY, APRIL 25, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Wesley Snipes

---

He slaughtered vampires with broadswords, he taught Woody Harelson how to alley oop, and I think he may have even done something with Steven Segal (they seem ripe for a buddy picture, no?), but the IRS, completely resisting his Hollywood charms, have sentenced Wesley Snipes to three years in prison for tax evasion, having failed to pay his $2.7 million bill to the government. Harsh!  Why so much time for a misdemeanor?  Prosecutors pushed for the maximum sentence because, as the above photo shows, the actor got cocky about beating heavier charges of fraud back in February.

"Snipes' long prison sentence should send a loud and crystal clear message to all tax deifiers that if they engage in similar tax deifier conduct, they face joining him,”

said assistant Attorney General Nathan J. Hochman of the Justice Department's Tax Division.

If Snipes had not pumped his fists, as above, and given the impression that his conviction on lesser charges was in fact some kind of victory, they probably would have given him a slap on the wrist, CNN seemed to imply.  Let that be a lesson to all of us – no more hotdoggin’. 

I’m a little surprised to find that Snipes has $2.7 million dollars to owe – his most recent titles on IMDB have a “V” listed next to them which, I believe, means direct to video (one is titled Hard Luck).  Now I feel a little bad for him.  Snipes had thrown himself on the mercy of the court during his sentencing hearing (a very un-Snipes thing to do, considering he beat down Jason Straitham in the video masterpiece Chaos), and now he’s looking at hard time.  Big time actors like Denzel Washington even wrote letters to the court on his behalf, but none of it seemed to sway the judge. 

I’m starting an etsy.com store with “Free Wesley Snipes” t-shirts today, as soon as I get my old silk-screener up and working. 

Jennifer Lopez to Star in Own Reality TV Show

THURSDAY, APRIL 24, 2008
Author: Megan
Tags: Jennifer Lopez

---

Yes, the very same Jennifer Lopez that cordoned off an entire wing of a Long Island hospital for privacy will now bare all on a new TLC show announced this morning. Co-produced, co-created, and starring J-Lo herself, this is obviously just the next step in the exploitation of her newborn twins to stay in the spotlight (the first being in a People magazine exclusive photo shoot where the children looked over-pampered and miserable).

The series will focus on Lopez “juggling” being a mother and a career woman.  Wait a second, juggling?  That’s not exactly the word I would use for someone who can afford multiple nannies and a private jet to get her to "business" meetings (not to mention several houses in various chic locales).

But I love J-Lo (and “On the 6”), so honestly my reservations boil down to one core concern:  I just don’t want to see her and Marc Antony go the same way as so many celebrity couples turned TV commodities.  Nick and Jessica, Britney and Kevin, Flavor Flav and New York...my heartaches lived through them are many.

Eh, you know I’m gonna watch it anyway.

Everything I’ve Ever Said About Britney Spears Is True!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears , Jaime Lynn Spears

---

On Tuesday, Britney Spears was spotted in Beverly Hills making a trip to East West Bank with her father, Jamie Spears, close by her side. As you may remember, Britney’s financial assets are still under her father’s custody so I suppose that means he needs to walk her to the bank as well, and judging from her outfit he’ll probably need to feed her with a rubber spoon and a bib when they hit the Starbucks afterwards for her super-fattening caffeinated frozen beverage.  So what’s up with Brit’s doily collared dress and lusterless pearls? – did she go digging through someone’s garbage?  Did she find those clothes in a brown paper sack next to a KFC?  Did it mysteriously occur to her, blinded first by a sudden bright sun, that those were precisely the clothes she needed to improve her imagine? 

Well, whatever the true cause is behind yet another baffling public appearence, I’d like to point out everything I’ve ever said about Britney Spears is true: namely she is an adorable ragamuffin; she is pining away for a crazy granny that will whip some sense into her with a cane and then drive off on a motorized buggy (Beverly Hillbillies style); and that she should just marry herself because damn that dress makes her look old.

But seeing how Jamie Spears has custody of Brit’s money only until a July 31 hearing, I’m tempted to give Britney the benefit of the doubt – is she smart enough to trick her dad into thinking she’s some kind of church-going old lady who will be tight with her purse? – that would probably be like the smartest thing this little cutie has ever done!

Disappointed in Christina Ricci Lately #2: She’s Still Pissed About “Black Snake Moan”

TUESDAY, APRIL 22, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Christina Ricci

---

I don’t know who asked her, but apparently Christina Ricci is still “bitter over the promotional images her 2007 film Black Snake Moan...saying that it ‘exploited’ women,” according to a celebrity news wire that nobody picked up. So, I shall do the honors.  The wire continues to report:

“The 28-year-old actress says that although she enjoyed making the film, the movie poster, in which she appears scantily-clad at the end of a chain held by co-star Samuel L. Jackson, is one of the most ‘disappointing and upsetting things’ that has happened to her showbiz career.”

Ricci snapped, "The whole reason I made that movie was to say, 'Oh yeah, that girl you called a slut probably went through this, so you might not want to use her and throw her away or judge her.  [But] all they [marketing bosses] cared about was college-age boys going to see it.”

Yeah, well?  Here’s the story: ex-blues musician Lazarus (Samuel L. Jackson) finds Rae (Ricci), a young nymphomaniac, badly beaten on the road; he brings her inside his house and chains her to his radiator, and spends the rest of the movie watching her writhe in pain in order to cure her of her loose ways through his own brand of twisted spiritual cleansing. 

Give me a break – Christina Ricci had to have known, scene after scene, as they shot the movie that a gang-load of horny college boys were going to build a bunch of dungeons under their dorm rooms because she sure looked good half-naked and all beaten-up in chains and stuff.

If this movie doesn’t sound like torture porn, call me crazy. Or better yet, just pour blood over my face, push me down a fight of stairs, and laugh.

Disappointed in Christina Ricci Lately #1: Speed Racer Hits Long Beach, CA

TUESDAY, APRIL 22, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Christina Ricci

---

Why is she doing this? Christina Ricci was making a real actress of herself in movies like Monster and Buffalo 66 and John Water’s Pecker (!) – but come May 9, I will suffer pained sadness when Ricci appears in theaters as Trixie (Speed’s girlfriend) in Speed Racer, a live action film adaptation of the 1960’s Japanese animated series.  You may be thinking, but Japanese animation sounds cool, or even, I like Speed Racer.  Those are valid thoughts, but look at the rest of the cast: John Goodman, Susan Sarandon, Mathew Fox, and Emile Hirsch.  Just how fast can this live action movie be? – and even if you doubt my powers of pure logic, just take a look at the sluggish photos below.  The stars of the movie were out on Sunday promoting this new flick at the 2008 Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach.  Do any of them look particularly fast to you?  I bet you can walk right up to either one of them and rob them just like that.

Knowles Gives Parenting Advice to Jaime Lynn Spears, Who Appears to Be Wearing a Racist Sweatshirt

MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Jaime Lynn Spears , Solange Knowles

---

The people at US Magazine are more subtle than they at first may appear.

Check out this photo, which ran along with an article about Solange Knowles (younger sis to Beyonce) offering parenting advice to Jaime Lynn Spears – apparently, she was a teenaged mom too, and has some pointers for her young counterpart. 

Wait a minute.  Is that a confederate flag on Jaime Lynn’s sweat shirt? 

I wish I were making this up, but US Magazine really did run these pictures side by side.

Solange, stop talking to that redneck. 

T.I. Feels Bad About Losing Money

FRIDAY, APRIL 18, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: TI

---

Isn't it unfortunate when you get caught with an arsenal of machine guns and silencers and end up losing out on a few bucks because of it?  I sure think so, and T.I. agrees.  According to Rolling Stone.com

"T.I. has revealed the loss of several business deals due to his recent convictions. 'GM had to back up off of me. There are films that I missed out on. I’ve probably lost about ten to twelve million dollars,' he told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution."

What's that old saying?  Ah yes, "crime doesn't pay."  See kids?  You should always listen to--oh wait, the interview continues:

"I'm blessed to be able to be out here to make $10 to $12 [million] more. Especially considering I brought this all on myself. So you know —minimal injury. Maximum lesson learned."

So what have we all learned here?  Crime might set you back a couple endorsements and film roles, but you can always make that money back through cd sales, a clothing line, and reality tv.  Remember that, kids. 

Britney Goes Into Studio, Thankfully Doesn't Record Anything

THURSDAY, APRIL 17, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Earmuffs!  Earmuffs!  Britney Spears went into the studio!  Oh wait, she didn't record anything.  Phew.  According to Us Magazine:

"Britney Spears returned to the recording studio this week with former manager Larry Rudolph. 'We went into the studio, but it was just for fun – nothing more,' Rudolph tells Usmagazine.com of their visits to a studio in Burbank, CA Monday and Tuesday. Spears, 26, has not been in a recording studio for the past year, a source tells Us. 'She just wanted to go in and tinker around,' the source says. 'She sat at a piano and got some ideas. She played the piano and sang a bit. She enjoyed herself.'"

Some of the ideas she got included ways to further alienate herself from the public while simultaneously endangering her children, using rainbows for transportation, and meat-flavored ice-cream.  Hmmm, meat-flavored ice-cream, that actually sounds pretty good.  I hope she didn't patent that.

 

Ashlee Simpson Calls Pregnancy Details Personal But Will Show You Her Giant Engagement Ring Instead

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Ashlee Simpson , Pete Wentz

---

When approached by MTV’s TRL on Tuesday, Ashlee Simpson refused to answer any questions about being preggers:

"I just think it's an inappropriate question to ask any woman...That's all so sacred, I need to keep that to myself...But he did a great job at picking out the ring," which she said is being resized.

Apparently, Pete’s money and his gigantic engagement ring is okay for the media to discuss but the scared sea monkey babies gestating inside of her (speculated in our last post) is sacred information and off limits for nosey reporters.

After the story of Alshee’s pregnancy broke on Monday, Wentz said, "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood ... I mean really, this is crazy.”

WTF is he talking about. It still stumps me why people talk about them at all seeing that they’re both nothing but average.  If only there were a witch hunt aimed right at them, you know a crowd eager to crucify the retarded.

Kate Hudson Wants Another Baby, Owen Wilson May Have To Pony Up

TUESDAY, APRIL 15, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Kate Hudson , Maureen McCormick , Owen Wilson

---

Kate Hudson, who is rumored to be dating Owen Wilson again, told the Sunday Times she’d like to have another baby soon:

“I’m a mom and that’s my first priority...I'm at that place when I'm ready to have another one and Chris and I are not together. I'm like, 'Oh no. Uh-oh! I'm ready'...Any guy I ever meet is always going to come second to my son.”

Hudson currently has a four-year-old son, Ryder, with her ex-husband Chris Robinson.

Okay, these might be charming words for those women out there who like to think motherhood rules everything once you finally become a mother, but I’d like to point out that beneath it all Hudson is being a bitch.

Sure, go ahead Kate and ruin a semi-successful career for Chris (what band was he in again?  Oh yeah, the Black Crows) and then relegate him to a meager corner where he exists just to impregnate you again.  Okay, that’s fine, if you’re a bitch.

As for Owen, who Kate warns will always come second after her little boy, is probably relieved even though Kate is gently saying “fuck you” to his known womanizing way.  This guy, who’s last decent movie was Rushmore, was nicknamed “the butterscotch cowboy” shortly after his alleged suicide attempt for his various pony-riding ways.  Who gets labeled a playboy after trying to commit suicide?

That’s just a day in Hollywood I guess.  Everyone wants a baby these days.  It makes headlines in US Magazine and E! News and makes you look like the greatest person in the world even though you’re far from it.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz Predicted To Have A Rave-Barbecue Wedding and Then Mini-Babies

MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Ashlee Simpson , Pete Wentz

---

According to Lucy Walsh of MTV's Rock the Cradle,Ashlee and Pete are already discussing wedding plans. Here’s what Lucy, daughter of Eagles guitarist Joe Walsh, told E!:

"She comes from Texas, so I think it will have a lot of southerness to it, but I also think she will incorporate a lot of the punk rock that is her personality. So it will be somewhere in between a rave and a barbecue," says Walsh. "I know she wants to have a really long engagement. They’ve still got a lot they want to with their careers."

Then E! asks the big question, “What are they like as a couple?” to which Lucy answers:

"They are the cutest, they are tiny. They are gonna have tiny little kids, and I just think they are adorable."

Wow!  On occasion I’ve pondered the nagging question of just what precisely makes-up Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s over-all lameness and somehow Lucy Walsh answered it for me.  Clearly they are together because they have no identity and are both pocket-sized playthings and because they have no friends.  It’s kind of embarrassing if their inner-circle consists of an Eagles offspring who would describe their taste as a cross between punk rock and “southerness” and liken that to a Rave-Barbeque.

But is that more embarrassing than the anticipation of what will be the birth of their “tiny little kids”?  I don’t know what Lucy Walsh is thinking, or if Ashlee and Pete will still call her a friend in the morning, but if I had to guess I would put my money on sea monkeys. Don’t we all want to see a bunch of moshing, glow-stick waving, e-popping, sea monkeys swimming in our tap water?  

Oh please Ashlee and Pete, please use your talents to bring into the world this wonderful new species that we can all enjoy at least as much as your music.

Lost Star, Emilie de Ravin, Looks Like Kirsten Dunst

MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Emilie de Ravin , Kirsten Dunst

---

Perhaps others more perceptive than me have already noticed, but Emilie de Ravin can pass as Kirsten Dunst’s twin. Why is this significant?  Because there are many people out there who hate Kirsten Dunst for being a drunk and for self-importantly comparing herself to Marie Antoinette whom she played in Sophia Coppola’s 2006 movie and for generally being annoying and having bad teeth.  Well, I’m going to draw the line and stand on the other side today.  Why?  Because I feel bad for the Interview With A Vampire actress and when I ran across these photos of the newly emerged, and well-loved Lost actress Emilie de Ravin, I wanted to remind people that Kirsten Dunst is not as ugly as people think especially if they think Emilie is pretty hot.

That’s my civic duty of the day.  Yeah, that’s right.  Just one.

Britney Spears Hits a Nissan on the 405 and Finds a Crazy Fan in Rhianna Vega

MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Brit, who has been on a tight leash ever since her father took custody of her assets in February, sadly crashed her Mercedes into a Nissan amid slow-moving traffic Saturday night on the Ventura Highway. Apparently the Nissan came to a sudden stop, and Brit hit it, which then caused the Nissan to bump into another vehicle.  Luckily, no one was hurt or ticketed.

Though this three-car-collision could’ve turned out badly for Brit and the other drivers involved, especially the owner of the precious Nissan (I had one in high school, a 300zx, baby) another rainbow shone above the wreck.  That rainbow came from the heart of a little girl in yellow whose shrieking screams of love for Britney Spears was probably heard across SoCal from Laguna Beach to Burbank, you know, creating a colorful arc of hope over our recovering pop star.  I hope this little girl’s expression of quivering love and loyalty, as she ran across the highway after Britney’s white Mercedes, will remain with Brit long past the weekend.

By the way, the little girl introduced herself as Rhianna Vega in this video below.  I don’t really know how to spell it, but I’m determined to give her props.  It’s rare to get excited about anything these days in our post-post-modern world and even though this girl clearly needs to be put on meds or clubbed over the head so she can take a quick nap, I commend her for her ability to show that much enthusiasm and perhaps also for the fact that she has the courage to remain unmediated.

Hugh Hefner’s Sexy “Senior Moment” with Pam Anderson

FRIDAY, APRIL 11, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Hugh Hefner , Pamela Anderson

---

Amidst all the wonders recorded in holy writ no instance can be produced where a young woman from real inclination has preferred an older man.  -- George Washington

 

Pity that old George, steward of the American Revolution and face of the one-dollar bill, never ran across the likes of Pamela Anderson while chasing down Redcoats.  Perhaps then he too would have enjoyed--as Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner did the other evening while celebrating his 82^nd birthday--a naked lap dance from the silicone-sutured sexual icon.  Reports state that after a raucous night out in Las Vegas with his three young, blonde and vapid live-in girlfriends, Hef returned to his hotel suite to find Anderson waiting for him clad only in high heels.  “He was stunned.  He had the biggest smile I’ve ever seen,” said Palms owner George Maloof, who owns the hotel where Hefner and his harem stayed.   The sagging starlet was said to also dance erotically to the delight of the ogling octogenarian.   While Hefner might be an inspiration to many males over that magic age where they can get discounted coffee at McDonald’s, we do hope, for the sake of hundreds of thousands of comely female staffers employed at nursing homes and assisted-living facilities around the world, that his hands-on approach to young woman is more admired than mimicked.

Ashlee Simpson Engaged, Joe Simpson Deranged?

FRIDAY, APRIL 11, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Ashlee Simpson

---

Yesterday, Us Magazine reported that Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy-friend Pete Wentz were engaged:

"Ashlee Simpson, 23 and her rocker boyfriend, Pete Wentz, 28, are tying the knot, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.  A rep for Simpson tells Us, 'Yes, they are happily engaged.'  Earlier today, the singer told Us, 'I'm really happy!'"

I'm so happy!  Aren't you happy?!  Happy!  Happy!  Everything is happy!

Unfortunately, it seems that Joe Simpson, Ashlee's father, isn't too happy about his daughter's new album competing with another diva's new release.  According to RollingStone.com:

"Reports allege that Simpson’s father Joe leaked new Carey tracks so that his daughter would face less competition when her new album Bittersweet World comes out a week after Carey’s E=MC2."

And then Joe was chased by the cops down the Los Angeles freeway in a Ford Bronco with a gun to his head, threatening to kill himself.  Oh, oh wait.  No, that was OJ Simpson.  Wrong crazy Simpson.  My bad.

“21” Star Kate Bosworth Really Can’t Be Bothered With Asians

THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Helena Christensen , Kate Bosworth

---

It’s obvious Kate Bosworth is too busy posing with the likes Helena Christensen as she is here at the premiere of 21 to care about the storm of controversy brewing over this potentially racist movie. First of all, 21, based on the book Bringing Down The House, about the MIT mathematics team famous for developing some crazy Blackjack card counting method, as well as a fierce signaling system, stars all white people - Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey, and Jim Sturgess – when by pure premise alone should star all Asians.  Come on, math, MIT, gambling, and did I already mention math?  And, duh, the real-life MIT team was comprised mostly of Asian Americans, already ahead of the game in brilliantly fulfilling its own stereotype. But there are a couple of Asians, such as Aaron Yoo and Liza Lapira, in 21, and I should mention there's also Laurence Fishburne.  This can make up for some of the Asian discrimination (remember Fishburne's martial arts skills from The Matrix - no one can take that away from him).  But what does all of Laurence Fishburne’s martial arts training and a whole community of talented out-of-work Asian American actors mean to Kate Bosworth?  It's hard to say when you look at these pictures.

By the way, it was reported that Bosworth helped a paparazzi back onto his feet after the guy tripped over a potted plant as he tried to get a good picture of her outside of a London club.  See the pictures below.  So, let’s piece some things together...Bosworth likes Helena Christensen....she likes clubbing...she likes helping people...surely she and her fellow “21” stars can do their part in helping to even the playing field in white Hollywood.      

New Kids Return To Block, Old Folks Return To Not Caring

MONDAY, APRIL 07, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

With all the old supergroups reuniting these days to suck a little bit more blood out of their already anemic 15 minutes of fame, it was only a matter of time before NKOTB re-emerged from the woodwork.  And by woodwork I mean sitting around their apartments masturbating.  According to Rollingstone.com:

"The day after their reunion on Today, New Kids on the Block announced they will headline New York radio station Z100’s annual summer concert. The group also premiered part of a new song on their official site."

I don't know whether to ignore this news, break down in tears, or start planning a murder.  Suggestions, anyone?    

Coffee, Tea or Naomi

FRIDAY, APRIL 04, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Naomi Campbell

---

Forget sniper fire on the Bosnia tarmac, the most dangerous thing in air travel today is Naomi Campbell, the maniacal mannequin whose catwalking career has been marred by bizarre bouts of human-bashing. The abusive aesthete found herself on the cover of this morning's New York Post after throwing a wild fit yesterday at London’s Heathrow Airport.  The article reports that the supermodel lost her fish and chips when she learned one of her three bags had not made her British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles.  After unleashing her fashionable fury on airline staff, cops were called in to calm the leggy lunatic, but to no avail.  She is said to have spit on and slapped the stunned Bobbies before finally being handcuffed and dragged off the plane “ranting and screaming.”   Some in the media are already speculating that this latest incident might induce immigration authorities to take away Ms. Campbell’s work visa to the United States.  But our guess is she’ll get no more than a fine and a slap on the wrist, something much lighter than the blows she’s applied to her many victims over the years.  And, most likely, a slew of new commercial, runway, and reality show opportunities will emerge.  For haven’t we learned well that bad behavior is not just condoned in today’s culture, but rewarded. 

Heidi Montag-John McCain Love Fest

THURSDAY, APRIL 03, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Heidi Montag , John McCain

---

Yesterday Heidi Montag endorsed John McCain for president in US Weekly, stating, "I'm a Republican and McCain has a lot of experience". Today, on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” with Joe Scarborough , McCain, who seemed vaguely aware of The Hills, replied that Montag was “a very talented actress.” 

(Montag is pictured here eating Mexican food with Spencer -- who looks like a young, pre-torture John McCain.  Is there a subliminal message here about Heidi's opinion on illegal imigration?  I don't know, but she definitely endorses tacos.) 

I’m impressed.  McCain sure knows how to pitch for the youth vote.  This makes that Obama Black-eyed Peas video look pretty passé.  Unfortunately, the main viewership for The Hills is about five years shy of voting age, and more concerned with shades of nail polish than health care plans and the war in Iraq. 

As for Heidi, she now joins the ranks of James Woods, Stephen Baldwin, Kirk Cameron, Ernest Borgnine, and many other talented celebrity Republicans.  May her career soar, just as theirs did.

Oprah’s Dog Memorialized on Full Episode of Her Show

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 02, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Oprah Winfrey

---

They say celebrities die in threes. Over the past week we have seen the passing of Richard Widmark and Arthur C. Clark, so, for those waiting for the other shoe to drop, the third celebrity mortality  is... Oprah Winfrey’s beloved 13-year-old cocker spaniel Sophie, who regrettably died last week due to kidney failure.  "Sophie gave me 13 years of unconditional love. She was a true love in my life," Oprah says in a transcript released to the Associated Press. 

To honor this very special pooch, Oprah will dedicate an entire program of her show to Sophie, this Friday. 

When my childhood pets died, they left this earth with little ceremony, especially if they were small enough to flush down the toilet.   My backyard was a veritable Arlington Cemetery of unmarked graves for parakeets, guinea pigs, mice, and other under-ten dollar specials from the mall pet store.  So, as an animal lover and former-vegan, I salute Oprah’s unashamed public mourning for Sophie, I would do the same, and will observe a moment of silence now. 

No Kristin Davis Sex Tape, Mere Photos Must Do

TUESDAY, MARCH 18, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Amy Winehouse , Donald Trump , Kristin Davis

---

An update from TMZ:

The photos, we're told, were snapped in 1992 by an ex-boyfriend. That's right, they are just photos -- no sex tape, fellas! According to reports, 20 photos are making the rounds, but actually it's not quite 20. We're told the ex-boyfriend was pissed at Kristin and then sold the photos to a third party. Classy, huh? The third party got involved in a business venture with another guy and we're told that guy pilfered the pics and they ended up online."

I don’t know about you, but these pictures are neither flattering nor gross.  It’s sort of like going to the gynecologist.  I guess some guys think that’s hot, like guys with rubber glove fetishes and stuff, but besides those weirdoes, do we really care if Kristin Davis has had sex?  What a scandal. 

To view some crazy Kristin Davis NSFW photos go here: I Don’t Like You In That Way.

Other raunchy headlines:

• Ashley Alexandra Dupre offered $1 million from Joe Francis [the superficial]

• What's Eating Amy [tmz]

• Donald Trump Might Be in Trouble [i don’t like you in that way]

 

Halle Berry’s Newborn Daughter Named Ariela Aubry

TUESDAY, MARCH 18, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Halle Berry

---

Man, nine months can really drag out. I guess that’s the kind of thing people think when they have to go to jail or boarding school or in my case, once, Juvenile Detention disguised as sing-along camp. 

In any case Halle Berry’s number finally came up this past Sunday, putting an end to what seemed like a never-ending pregnancy, as she and boyfriend Gabriel Aubry welcomed their newborn girl into the world.

Today the pair announced the name of their daughter, Ariela Aubry.

"Nahla is the Arabic word for 'drink of water,'" Pamela Redmond Satran, the co-author of The Baby Name Bible and Cool Names for Babies tells Us. "Ariela is related to the Hebrew Ariel, which means 'lion of god.’ 

“Nahla is one of those names that is occasionally found among people of African or Arabic descent, but isn't commonly used in any particular culture," she adds.

"Nala was the name of Simba's lioness mate in Disney's The Lion King, so it kind of has an African flavor as opposed to a genuine African pedigree," says Satran. And Ariela's "Disney antecedent," she says, is Ariel in The Little Mermaid.

As long as Halle Berry isn’t talking that kind of bullshit when she describes naming her daughter, I can still idolize her performance in Monster’s Ball – as for this Pamela Redmond Satran, I don’t know, she seemed to have invented a job for herself...baby naming?  Inventing one’s own usefulness in the world is kind of pretty powerful.  Plus, her own name looks and sounds like Satan.  Or am I just imagining it?  Only Satan would want to profit off the pregnancies of others.

Anyway, congrats to Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry!

Mischa Barton Nude In CLOSING THE RING Bringing Back Pleasant Memories Of FIRE WALK WITH ME

TUESDAY, MARCH 18, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Mischa Barton

---

Nothing can beat David Lynch’s 1992 masterpiece Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me staring Sheryl Lee as Laura Palmer, but Mischa Barton looks scared and haunted enough in her nude stills from Closing The Ring (which sparked little attention in last year’s UK and Canadian release) that I cried a nostalgic tear as the last moments of Laura Palmer’s tragic life floated through my mind. Has that ever happened to you?  If not, you’re missing out.

Now I will confess the two films really have nothing in common.  Here’s a quick synopsis of Mischa’s new movie from ropeofsilicon.com: “When a U.S. B-17 crashes near Belfast, a dying gunner asks a local to return his ring to his girlfriend in America. Half a century later, a man finds the ring, learns its history and tracks down the girlfriend. Shirley MacLaine and Mischa Barton play the woman in 1993 and 1943, respectively.”

That sounds like pure crap, unlike Fire Walk With Me.  But, whatever, at least Shirley MacLaine will not reveal any nudity.  Closing the Ring is due to release this June in the US and will also star Christopher Plummer, Brenda Fricker, Pete Postlethwaite, and Neve Campbell.

Snoop Dogg Animated Series? Fo-Shizzle.

THURSDAY, MARCH 13, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

Man, kids these days sure have it good.  When I was growing up, all we had for animated entertainment was crap like The Flinstones, The Smurfs and He-Man.  We certainly didn't have any cartoons focusing on young aspiring gangsta rappers growing up in South Central Los Angeles.  But thanks to Snoop Dogg, that's all about to change.  From XXLMag.com:

"The Comedy Central network on Wednesday (March 12) announced that it has ordered a pilot of a new animated comedy series featuring Snoop Dogg for the 2008-2009 season. According to Variety, the as-yet untitled show will chronicle the adventures of a 15 year-old Snoop growing up in 1980’s Long Beach. The project will be executive produced by the rapper and Tom Lynch, who helmed Class of 3000, Andre 3000’s animated series. 'We’ve been looking to get into business with Snoop, who’s always fantastic on our roasts,' said Lauren Corrao, Comedy Central’s senior VP of programming and development. 'He’s one of those people who truly crosses over between music and comedy.'"

I'm sure it'll be just like Underdog, but with more blunts and hos and drive-bys. Perhaps even some nuts on your tonsils, if you're lucky. 

Immune-System Malfunction Causes Janet Jackson to Cancel SNL Appearance

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

Uh oh.  Better have a seat for this one.  You ready?  Okay, you know those plans you had for this Saturday night?  Well, they're totally ruined.  My condolences.   According to RollingStone.com:

"After going to the hospital Monday night, Janet Jackson canceled her appearance on Saturday Night Live this weekend after suffering a bout with the flu. According to Jackson’s publicist, the singer was forced to pull out of SNL because 'she needs some time to get better.' No replacement musical act has been announced for the show"

What a baby.  I had the flu a couple weeks ago and still mustered up the energy to play some dive in Jersey City to a crowd of 5 disinterested hipsters.  Why?  Because I'm tough, and awesome.  Take that, Miss Jackson.

Don't worry though, no matter who the musical guest is, I'm sure Saturday Night Live will still be HILARIOUS, so you should tune in.  Or maybe TiVo it, if you have a life. 

Britney Spears Turns To Animation For Next Music Video

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Not only will the video of “Break the Ice” – you know, Britney’s come-back-come-back hit - be pure animation, it will also take place in a futuristic environment where according to The Sun, “Brit is depicted as a pretty, slim line superhero.” The UK newspaper also reported the concept and idea for the video, including the art direction, can be credited to Britney Spears herself.  This is kind of genius.  If I spent a year getting fat and going crazy, I too would portray myself as a slim, superhero in an animated video – and as a superhero, I’d be quick to lay down my superpowers.  I’d point out I’d been using them all along so people would understand the magnitude of who I am and what I do.  If I were Brit, here are just a few skills/superpowers I’d address in the animated video: kidnapping my own child, speaking with an English accent, marrying a creepy, married paparazzo named Adnan Ghalib in Mexico, letting Sam Lutfi hide my dog and call me a stupid bitch and then rob me of my sex tapes, wiping KFC all over my body because it can make me invisible whenever I need it.  Who wants to be Wonder Woman for Halloween this year when you can be Britney Spears the superhero.

Madonna Is A Magical Songwriting Wizard

TUESDAY, MARCH 11, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Madonna

---

The Material Gir--hmmm...Material Wom--ummm, Material Old-Lady-With-A-Fake-British-Accent, was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night, which is quite a feat considering she doesn't play Rock and Roll.  That's akin to Shaquille O'Neill getting inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, a sculptor winning the Pulitzer Prize, or a duck receiving The Purple Heart.  

Anyhow, Madge got a little choked up at the ceremony.  According to RollingStone.com:

"She offered a brief history of her career, describing her first stabs at music: playing drums along with Elvis Costello records, and strumming four chords on a guitar. She thanked an old ballet teacher 'who told me I was special,' and talked about songwriting in mystical terms: 'Luckily, I have been miraculously and mysteriously possessed by some kind of magic.'"

Yes, songwriting is certainly a magical experience when other people are doing it for you.  Abra cadabra, holmes! 

Amy Adams Continues To Enchant In “Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day” Along With Frances MacDormand

TUESDAY, MARCH 11, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Amy Adams , Frances MacDormand

---

Though I was too busy wasting my time watching Gus Van Sant’s Paranoid Park this weekend, a movie that reminded me of how much I hated my childhood while conjuring up horribly vivid memories of all those times I almost mistakenly killed someone but didn’t, Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day might actually have been worth seeing.

Michigan Daily describes it as an “A frothy mixture of sex-farce and Cinderella story...a throwback to old Hollywood films. It's a light-hearted story, impressively so considering the threats of World War II, air raid sirens, depression and hunger hanging so blatantly over its head. Despite these downers, "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" maintains its giddiness due to the strengths of its two leading women (Amy Adams and Frances MacDormand)."

Yes, World War II is definitely a downer, but I’m glad the two women were able to maintain their giddiness throughout.

But I agree with Oneindia.com’s film critic on this one:

“Telugu NRI Bharat Nalluri's Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day has baffled the critics in US by doing usually well. Though it was released with big movies like 10000 BC and The Bank Job...Bharat Nalluri, who was born in Guntur in Andhra Pradesh, has directed this film for the first time. He is a director in British Television. His name and woks are closely associated with production company Kudos Film and Television.”

Baffling.  Just baffling.  Like my hatred for Paranoid Park, as Van Sant shows us he is indeed emotionally stunted, I am equally disgusted and fearful that there is a widespread hope for a Cinderella story living well and strong in our social consciousness. God damn it, didn’t Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah's Splash give us enough of that?  We even got underwater adventure and John Candy with that one.  If I have to bite into a lobster with my bare teeth as part of a pact with the Devil in order to stomp out this Cinderella fantasy that is ruining the minds of children and adults alike, I will.  Yes, my friend, this I would do for you.  I would also take a bullet for Johnny Depp.

In any case, on opening weekend, Miss Pettigrew made out with 2.5 million in just 535 theaters, so good job Bharat Nalluri – thanks for taking some stupid American Dream and kicking it with some British/Andhra Pradesh ass and making in into a sort of baffling success.  I haven’t seen it yet, but I may, after my pact with the Devil is complete.

Smells Like Identity Theft

MONDAY, MARCH 10, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Courtney Love

---

Why can't they just let Kurt rest in peace, man, WHY?!  According to the NY Post:

"Identity thieves bought a $3.2 million New Jersey mansion using the Social Security number of late Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, widow Courtney Love said yesterday.  Love, 43, met with investigators in Los Angeles last week - although she had known of the con for five years, she told The Sun newspaper of Britain. 'I knew it had been going on since when I went cuckoo - bananas - in 2003. It was fraud after fraud. But nobody believed me until now.'"

Hmmm, I don't know why they wouldn't believe you, I mean it's not like you went "cuckoo - bananas" or anything. 

"'I did a check on my deceased husband's Social Security number and 'he' has a house in New Brunswick, NJ. He bought it last year,' she told The Sun. I would like to know how. He should probably get his a-- back home if that's the case.'"

Making jokes about your dead husband?  Priceless.  I can't possibly imagine why he decided to smoke that pistol. 

 

Paris Engaged to Nicole’s Fiance'sTwin Brother?

MONDAY, MARCH 10, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Paris Hilton

---

The UK’s Daily Mirror reports that Paris Hilton was seen wearing a diamond-encrusted ring this weekend around LA. Could she been engaged? 

She has been dating Good Charlotte guitarist Benji Madden, twin brother of frontman Joel Madden, who happens to be engaged to Nicole Richie.  Sounds like healthy (or maybe unhealthy) competition between the former friends.  Perhaps dating twins is a good way to patch things up.  It's good for the twins to. I happen to be a twin myself, and my parents always tried to make my brother and I feel as though we were given equal treatment.  So, if Nicole get’s to marry a member of Good Charlotte, so too should Paris.  Only fair. 

Britney Ordered by Court to Pay Her Dad

FRIDAY, MARCH 07, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Britney Spears has been ordered to pay her father $2,500 a week to compensate him in his job as her co-conservator. She is paying a salary to her dad, who basically had to sue her for it. 

I’m sad now.   

Perhaps it is only fair that he be paid, return the favor for bringing her into this tortured world.  Then again, since he is now on the clock, can’t she fire him and give the job to one of her friends, or to me?  I probably know as much about money as Mr. Jaime Spears, and certainly couldn’t make more a mess of his daughter's finances.  In fact, I would just invest all of her money in deep sea exploration (here’s a hot stock tip for you, Mr. Spears:  http://shipwreck.net/secfilings.html).  Then we could find a shipwreck full of gold bouillon and live happily ever after on the dividends.     

Let me know, Brit, if you’d like to see a resume and cover letter. 

The R plan: How to lose weight and irritate people.

THURSDAY, MARCH 06, 2008
Author: Wilfred Steptoe
Tags: Sarah Ferguson

---

How long has Britain had a Royal family for? I should know really being English but I've never really taken much of an interest in them. There's been quite a few of them though - Henry VIII, Queen Victoria, King Ralph. It's only recently however that something quite remarkable started happening. They've started earning their keep. I don't know if it just because they feel guilty about murdering Princess Diana (verdict pending) but all of a sudden they've started pulling their considerable weight. Harry's been out in Afghanistan bravely avoiding the Taliban, leaving his half brother William to hold the fort (or in this case palace) at home. Their cousin Zara Phillips’ been propelling horses over fences with such success that's she was actually pronounced world champion and now even Sarah Fergurson's getting in on the act. In a new two part television show scheduled to be broadcast in Britain this summer the Duchess of York is going to attempt to improve the eating habits of an unhealthy northern family and in doing so explore solutions to the growing obesity problem in the UK. Brilliantly and ITV spokesman said: "The duchess would use her experience of eating disorders, low self-esteem, family conflict, financial crisis, divorce and bereavement to help the Sargerson family improve their lifestyle."

Help them? It sounds like she's going to depress the f*ck out of them. I suppose suicide is one sure fire way to weight loss but I'm not sure it'll catch on in the same way as the Akins diet.  That said the sight of her wobbling about my kitchen, sticking her ginger fingers in to my biscuit tin would certainly put me off my food. So maybe ITV have come up with something after all.

Jessica Alba Loves Ham And Cheese Sandwiches And Amy Winehouse, Hurray

THURSDAY, MARCH 06, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Jessica Alba

---

The Eye star looks completely un-mysterious at the premiere of her new film in Paris, wearing this tent-like gown as she continues to gestate yet another Hollywood baby due to be born this spring/early summer. She and Cash Warren are engaged and a while back Jessica told a glam magazine she’s the luckiest woman in the world because she’s got it all: a baby on the way, a fiancé, and an incredible career. The keyword here is un-mysterious?  Or perhaps it’s sicky-sweet. Jessica Alba is so predictable it’s embarrassing, especially in France where the average woman looks sexy in mere slippers and an old slip while washing her pantyhose in the bathroom sink.

So Alba is in Paris, and guess what she likes?(!) She noted in her blog: 

"Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can't get enough of them.  Wish they had these back in the states, the bread is amazing. My tummy is getting bigger by the second and the little one must like the food too because it is moving and kicking like crazy. "

God just when she’s about to bore me to death, it gets better:  

"Last trip! ... Also saw Amy Winehouse perform. She has such an incredible voice. She's definitely a throwback...reminiscent of Ella. I am currently getting my makeup done to go to the premiere of my movie. Can't wait to get home and rest.”

I’m sure Jessica Alba is exactly the kind of person Amy Winehouse would have no problem smacking across the face with a bottle for being annoyingly perky and obnoxiously vapid.  If my dream comes true, Winehouse would stumble out of her home and straight onto the express train to Paris, caring nothing about exposing a massively infectious impetigo cyst still healing on her face, just to tell Alba to shut the fuck up and stop blogging because no one cares what she thinks. 

Louis Vitton Just Got A Whole Lot Sexier

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 05, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

According to various media outlets, Rolling Stones guitarist/rock and roll legend/walking corpse Keith Richards is the new face of Louis Vitton.  I'm not sure if "new face" and Keith Richards belong in the same sentence together.  Does Louis Vitton specialize in really worn out, chewed-up looking leather?  If so, it's a perfect match. 

Bloomberg.com supplied this gem:

"'Keith Richards is timeless and ageless,' said Rita Clifton, who heads the U.K. division of brand consultant Interbrand. 'He's lived his life on the edge, but he's not a sleaze bag. He's lean and mean and he's still current.'"

Umm.  Timeless, sure.  Ageless?  Not so much.  If he's ageless, dear god, I want to age.  Age me.  Age me now.  But they're right, he's definitely not a sleaze bag.  I know plenty of people who snort their dead father's ashes mixed in with cocaine.  No better way to honor pop's memory.

Kimora Lee Simmons -- Diva or Demented?

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 05, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Kimora Lee-Simmons

---

"Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of." -- Robert Benchley

Today's Page Six has an item stating that Kimora Lee Simmons, founder of the Baby Phat clothing line and the ex-wife (and mother to his two children) of hip hop mogul Russell Simmons, has a contract rider for her personal appearances, much like those used on concert tours for major bands.  The article quotes a Simmons' insider:

"She demands that someone stand by and refill her champagne glass whenever it gets below one inch, that the water is Fiji only and that the place provide fans that blow on her in case it gets hot," said an insider. 

While this doesn't seem too much of an extravagance for someone as (self)-important as Kimora Lee to ask for, we wonder if all these diva-types (think J.Lo, Mariah Carey, etc.) are actually just struggling obsessive-compulsives with the freedom to express (and have fulfilled) their neurotic needs.  There truly is a fine line nowadays, at least in politics and pop culture, between sanity and success; that is, it actually seems beneficial for  someone in the public eye if they have a screw or two loose.  But In thinking of Kimora Lee and others of her narcissistic ilk requesting such silly individual indulgences, I'm reminded of the great comedic classic Spinal Tap, the film that gave life to the "mock-u--mentary."   There is a scene where the band's daft lead guitarist, Nigel Tufnel (played by Christopher Guest) throws a fit over the miniature size of the finger sandwiches in the band's dressing room.  If you've never seen this film, head right now to your local Blockbuster or Hollywood Video and take out a copy.   You might even want to grab yourself a bottle of Fiji water to sip while you watch.  The assistant to pour it out for you, however, might be harder to get. 

Lindsay Lohan’s Mother, Dina, To Star In Her Own Reality TV Show

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 05, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Lindsay Lohan

---

Are you kidding me? This country’s fucked.  As Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton battle it out to become the next Democratic nominee, perhaps along with the key issues of economic and healthcare reform, and the war in Iraq, they should also focus on a much needed social program that will raise America’s national IQ and cultural standard.

“Livin’ Lohan,” set to debut on E! this summer, will “It sounds like the ultimate stage mother's dream: Lindsay Lohan's mom Dina gets to be the star of her own reality show,” according CBS news. 

”The network didn't say if Lindsay Lohan will be seen on the show, but in an announcement Tuesday said that her 11-year-old brother Cody and 20-year-old brother Michael will be featured.” 

For years we’ve blamed our underfunded educational system for why American children ranked on the bottom when compared to students in Europe and Asia.  With this new show thousands of little girls will be brainwashed by Dina and her brood, so I urge both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to address the alarming rise of stupidity in this country. 

Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz, and Javier Bardem In Threesome

TUESDAY, MARCH 04, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Penelope Cruz , Scarlett Johansson

---

Well, I just hope this doesn’t turn out to be like that scene in American Psycho when Christian Bale slices open that prostitute when he’s finished filming himself with her in a goofy threesome with his old female friend.

But seriously guys, this film is from Barcelona. I think it won’t be a satire, but like a really sexy scene, so go ahead, get excited. This Is Nottingham reports:

"Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz will apparently set pulses racing with a steamy sex scene in their new film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

The A-list lovelies enjoy a raunchy threesome with Spanish actor Javier Bardem - who recently scooped an Oscar for his role in No Country For Old Men - in the highly anticipated film, reports the Daily Express.

A source said: "It is hotter than a summer's day in Barcelona. This is the sexiest cinematic threesome since Denise Richards, Matt Dillon and Neve Campbell got filmgoers all hot and bothered in Wild Things."

If you haven’t heard much about this film (expected to hit UK theaters this winter), it’s probably because director Woody Allen has been filming it in secrecy. Why would the famed director of my favorite movie, Take the Money And Run, keep this movie on the DL? Well, I don’t know. Maybe because he’s keeping the joy of voyeurism all to himself, perversely not sharing an ounce of this hotness with anyone, as he directs his muse Scarlett Johansson into fulfilling a myriad of fantasies with Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem?

Sure it’s kind of sexy, but it’s also sort of sick and twisted because along with the eBay auction, in which Johansson offers herself up as the prize, I doubt the young starlet knows she’s being used by a dirty old man. Well, who am I to say. Some people like that.

Onto other news, the NY Post has reported "Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are getting serious...They've been fairly shy about being together in public, but his family recently flew in from Spain to meet her."

What a wonderful, beautiful world we live in.

Amy Winehouse Now Has Impetigo. It’s Highly Contagious But Looks Like Honey

MONDAY, MARCH 03, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Amy Winehouse

---

My favorite 24 year-old spokesperson candidate for "CrackSavesLives.org," a soon-to-be launched foundation dedicated to building urban playgrounds for children, has been forced to take time off from work after being diagnosed with impetigo.

According to The Daily Dish:

"The troubled star sparked rumors she may have been involved in a fight after she was photographed on Friday with a painful-looking swelling on the side of her face...[but her rep] has now confirmed her swollen face is down to a bout of impetigo and the singer will have to spend time in isolation to stop the infection spreading."

Mayo Clinic Website states:

"Impetigo starts as a red sore that quickly ruptures, oozes for a few days and then forms a yellowish-brown crust that looks like honey or brown sugar. The disease is highly contagious, and scratching or touching the sores is likely to spread the infection to other parts of the body as well as to other people."

One might think, as long as it looks like honey or brown sugar who cares if it’s contagious? Yes, and this one bright mind would most likely be that of a happy-go-lucky uncynical child...and for this reason alone, I must honor my life goal dream of establishing CrackSavesLives.org.  I will write to Amy Winehouse a fan note immediately to warm her up to the idea of leading my children’s crusade for crack. If Winehouse names her next record Crack & Honey or Crack That Honey, I will make her my mascot.

Start Breaking Into Those Wishing Wells At The Mall: Scarlett Johansson Is Auctioning Herself Off On eBay

MONDAY, MARCH 03, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Scarlett Johansson

---

The AP reports:

"Scarlett Johansson is auctioning herself off on eBay. The star is offering up a date plus two red carpet tickets to the premiere of her new movie 'He's Just Not That Into You' which also stars Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck. All money raised from the eBay auction will be donated to the charity Oxfam."

Could this turn out to be as good as that bar scene in Coyote Ugly where Kevin O’Donnell saves Violet Sanford’s job by auctioning himself off Chippendale-style to the highest bidder? – the bidders being a bunch of generic-looking white chicks who were all one jello shot away from getting laid by any New York bouncer.

Hey, this randy move worked for Kevin O’Donnell. Not only did he indeed save his sweetheart’s job, he got her to become his sweetheart.

Will such a scenario pan out at the end of this eBay race to win a date with Scarlett Johansson? Of course not. Why? Because some super rich asshole is going to win, that’s why. Listen, no matter how many slices my former college room-mate Tito (who actually runs his own modest but respectably profitable Pizzeria in the East Village) sells, he will not be the winner of the eBay contest and that’s sad. If anyone deserves to win, it’s Tito.

Sorry, Oxfam. I am on your donor list. But I disapprove of any contest set-up that discriminates against my friend Tito.

Is Paris Hilton the New Manchurian Candidate?

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Paris Hilton

---

“There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that enter a room and turn the television set on, and those that enter a room and turn the television set off.” --Raymond Shaw (Laurence Harvey) The Manchurian Candidate

The Manchurian Candidate (the original 1962 version starring Frank Sinatra, not the recent remake with Denzel Washington) is a great movie. It’s a cold-war era chiller about a returning Korean War hero (Raymond Shaw) who has been brainwashed by Chinese intelligence agents to be an assassin.  Shockingly, his control agent in the U.S. is none other than his mother, Mrs. Iselin, played by Angela Lansbury of later Murder She Wrote fame.  Mrs. Iselin, in a further twist, is married to Senator John Yerkes Iselin, a blow-hard right wing communist baiter (for you history buffs, think Sen. Joe McCarthy) who is plotting a bid for the White House.  Mrs. Iselin uses her son, Raymond, to kill off foes of her husband one-by-one so he will be in a grater position for the presidency.  The way she induces his compliant violence is to play solitaire with him, and when the Queen of Hearts is revealed, he goes into a trance whence she places the command to kill.  In the end, the entire scheme is sniffed out and stopped by a sweaty, twitching and utterly appealing Frank Sinatra.

So it also must be with Paris Hilton—she’s under some sort of mind-control.  How else to explain the degrading choices she continues to make in the quest for fame and fortune?  There must be some publicist in her midst that has the keys, so to speak, to her gray matter.  Maybe instead of a game of solitaire she is given a copy of Vogue to look through, falling into a stupor whenever she spies a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes.  Then the suggestion is given:  “Dance on a tabletop tonight like a lopsided praying mantis.”  Or “Date the Dutch-oven pizza boy.”   Or, as In Touch magazine is reporting, “agree to be on a new reality television series to search for a best friend.” 

That’s right, MTV is launching a new show where a group of girls will share a house in LA and compete to become the heiress’ new best friend.  “I’m really excited about this concept—I’m going to meet a lot of great girlfriends,” Hilton said.  Also, “I never got to go to college and this will be my chance to be in a sorority and have that experience. 

Finally, Hilton says she’s looking for a friend who is a little different from her current Hollywood companions.  I guess she didn’t make any pals in the clink when she was recently there for drunk driving.

Don't Call It A Comeback! Seriously, don't call it a comeback

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Fresh off a series of repeated public meltdowns, completely losing her mind (and custody of her children), Britney Spears is about to film a video for her song "Hot as Ice" and according to Eonline.com,  she's "really serious about making a comeback."  Coincidentally, I'm really serious about making a magic spaceship that flies me directly to lunch with God whenever I want. 

Also from E! Online:

 "She wants to do the single 'Hot as Ice' as her next video and is ready to take the next step," said a source close to Spears. "She's been working a chair routine out in the studio and is ready to animate it." 

Why do I have a feeling the chair routine involves her sitting in a chair chain-smoking and picking her nose?  And that animating it involves her drawing a picture of the chair with crayons? 

 

The Olsen Twins Writing A Book To Influence YOU

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Olsen Twins

---

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are working with a division of Penguin Group (USA) on a coffee table fashion book called, "Influence," scheduled for fall release. I suppose they are the authorities on fashion after making millions from their teenage-targeted clothing and make-up line distributed at Wal-Marts everywhere. Let's not also forget the aesthetics and artistic integrity that overwhelmed their Kmart CD release, "Mary-Kate and Ashley's Greatest Hits" that featured refined scores such as "I Am the Cute One," and "No One Tells the President What to Do."

I have to give it to Mary-Kate, though. Only a short period after her association with Heath Ledger's death, she's already soldiering on with her sister via the power of the pen. The twins will be "writing" about such artists and designers as Bob Colacello, Terry Richardson and Jack Pierson.

From a wire issued by Penguin:

"The book will include "exclusive photographs of Ashley and Mary-Kate from world renowned photographer Rankin, and a wide variety of other never-before-seen materials and interviews from Mary-Kate and Ashley's personal collections."

"Mary-Kate and I have filled `Influence' with the most interesting, challenging, creative people we know — the ones who helped pave the way for us and our generation," Ashley Olsen said in a statement.

"Ashley and I interviewed the people who have inspired us, with the hope that they will inspire and teach others," Mary-Kate Olsen said in a statement."

Yeah, I know the twins went to NYU and all that, but I still don't believe they can write or sculpt an interview. Don't people know you need skills to do that. That's right "skills." Even Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite knew that when he was contemplating running for school president. Let me give you a recap:

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.

See what I mean? A sweet bike and a mustache - will the Olsen twins mention these assets in their "influence" book?  I should hope so.

Pamela Anderson Set To Remove Yet Another Phony Implant: Hubby Rick Salomon

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Pamela Anderson , Rick Salomon

---

According to USAToday.com the actress is seeking to annul the two-month marriage based on fraud. The AP reports:

"In court papers filed in Los Angeles on Friday, Anderson asked the court not to award spousal support and to keep her and Salomon's income and property separate. On Monday, Anderson filed a request to have a retired judge handle the annulment proceedings — a common practice in celebrity split-ups as it keeps matters private and out of the court."

Perhaps their love was doomed when their attempt at a reality television series failed. Or maybe like so many wedded couples who ultimately divorce, their final disconnect was fueled by a lack of communication and divergent interests. Or it might just be that Pam Anderson, the former Baywatch siren and ex-wife x 2 (Tommy Lee and Kid Rock) grew tired of tripping over spouse Rick Salomon's homemade porn tapes (he supposedly made millions distributing his "One Night With Paris" romp). Whatever the reason behind their acrimony, their long-rumored split now looks official as court documents show that Pam is seeking an annulment, rather than a divorce, from husband Rick Salomon.

New Album For Ms. Jackson (Yes, I'm Nasty)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

I just went out to get coffee and noticed a long line of people standing in the rain outside Best Buy.  What could possess seemingly rational people to do something so wild and crazy?  Well, DUH!  Janet Jackson's new album "Discipline" comes out today, fool.  And from what I've read, it sounds pretty awesome.

From Rollingstone.com

"Janet Jackson has abandoned the plastic R&B of 2006's 20 Y.O. for a sexier brand of digitized megapop. On her Def Jam debut, the beats are as crass and processed as Jackson's heavy breathing, so she sounds more like a sex droid than a blow-up doll, which is way hotter — for starters, sex droids show more initiative. When Janet brags she's "heavy like a first-day period" on "Feedback" or sings in a scrunched-up robot voice that she's "So Much Betta" than your girl, all the amateur competition should just pack up their Webcams and go home."

Yep.  Nothing says sexy digitized megapop quite like "heavy like a first day period."  At least she's being honest (see accompanying photo). 

I'll stick with the amateur webcam girls, thanks.

Padma Lakshmi's Billionaire Buffet

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2008
Author: Chorn
Tags: Padma Lakshmi

---

"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it." --Buddy Hackett

If Padma Lakshmi, the sultry host of the reality television series "Top Chef" resembled Buddy Hackett, I might actually like her. But whereas Hackett looked like a weathered catcher’s mitt perched atop a bulldog’s body, Ms. Lakshmi is tall, sleek, olive-skinned and stunning. The problem, for me at least, is that she uses her undeniable physical assets as a means to push forward a growing epicurean empire (she also writes cookbooks). While comeliness is not a completely foreign item on the food-star menu (Rachel Ray, Rocco DeSpirito, etc.), no one does a better job than Lakshmi at blending (can’t resist these puns) sex and sauce for big ratings (Sorry, Jared, but no one is waxing their carrot to your Subway ads) and website hits. Perhaps I’m a food prude, or I’ve too long associated eating with bloating to grasp its erotic potential, but Lakshmi’s exaggerated culinary canoodling with the camera seems completely disingenuous, so much so that my ample gut tells me she probably enjoys neither a bite out or a bite in. But it appears she does savor one thing: rich old men. After her divorce from author Salman Rashdie, she dated for some time middle-aged money man Teddy Forstman. And Page Six now reports that upon her split with Forstman, she’s been hanging about with the mega-wealthy Adam Dell, taking him recently to a food-tasting party in Miami. I guess Lakshmi believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach...even if she does check his wallet first.

Jessica Simpson’s Blonde Ambition best movie in the Ukraine

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Jessica Simpson

---

Okay, it’s Jessica Simpson day.  I have nothing further to say about that.  But, Fox news reports:

“Jessica Simpson is box-office dynamite in Ukraine. Her latest movie, Blonde Ambition, hit No. 1 there, grossing $253,008 last weekend, Box Office Mojo reports. The movie flopped in the U.S. in December, showing in just eight Texas theaters and making only $1,771 in its opening weekend.”

Why would the Ukraine love Simpson? – Well, if you saw Eastern Promises staring Vigo Morgenson and watched his undercover Ukrainian character gouge some ganger’s eye out with a hooked-knife thing in a Russian Bath in London, you’d understand.  "The former Soviet nations have a sweet tooth for straight-up comedies...When these comedies have big-name celebrities like Jessica Simpson's, that's all that's needed to sell the movie," editor Conor Bresnan told People.  See how simple?  Let’s not get too deep into how Eastern Promises (which also stars Naomi Watts) was really good and Blonde Ambition was equally as good.

Jessica Simpson may get married to Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Jessica Simpson , Nick Lachey , Tony Romo

---

This will be worst than Yoko Ono breaking up the Beatles.  Dallas Cowboys fans can kiss their team good-bye: that means no more tailgating parties, no more drunken brawls empowered by sporty-man-love.  Perhaps there may not even be another televised "Dallas Cowgirls Thanksgiving Blessings" where the famed cheerleaders get all dressed up like super sluts in the colors of the American Flag just to explain how ordinary they really are, like this, “I love family,” “I like holiday spirit,” “I’m daddy’s little girl,” “I love stuffing,” and “Turkey is the best.” 

Generally, what I’m saying is if you’re from Dallas there will be nothing left for you to do but watch the Cowboys lose. I’m also saying Tony Romo doesn’t care about you.  Isn’t that enough to throw some 40s against your backyard fence and turn over your cousin’s car?

According to OneIndia:

“News of the couple getting engaged came from friends, who say that Jessica is head over heels in love with Romo.

"I think they're going to get married," US mag quoted Romo's close friend of three years, Michael Starr, as saying in the latest issue of Us Weekly. Starr is not the only one who predicts the union between the two, Romo's former fling Sophia Bush, was also of the same opinion.

"I think they could go the distance. They're perfect for each other," the actress, a mutual friend of Romo and Simpson, said.

"They're both funny and wonderful and kind. I'm rooting for them," she added.

Nick Lachey, who is Simpson's ex, also chimed in to add his blessing. "I wish her nothing but happiness," he told Us. "If she's found that... good for her," he added."

Well Nick Lachey, how I've forgotten about you.  But even that sage comment is only equivalent to a monkey blinking at a shiny new penny.  Remind me again...what have you done since the split? That’s right you shiny-eyed monkey.  Nothing.

List of 2008 Academy Award Winners

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: oscars 2008

---

LOS ANGELES, Feb. 24 – In case you guys were banning the Oscars because it's just another big Hollywood stroke-job that excludes you, I’ll give you the list of winners here. You know, so you can have more to complain about at the office this morning.

These are the trophy toters of the 80th annual Academy Awards, which were presented Sunday night at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, downtown Los Angeles.

• Best Picture, "No Country for Old Men" (Must have flipped a coin on this one)
  
  
• Best Actor, Daniel Day Lewis, "There Will Be Blood" (Yeah, he was pretty good in it. He ate steak like beef jerky.   That makes for good acting if anything does at all.)
  
  
• Best Actress, Marion Cotillard, "Ma Vie en Rose" (Non, je ne regrette rien, well, I guess everyone regrets not seeing this movie)
  
  
• Best Director, Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men" (call it!  The popularity of coin flipping has gone way up since this movie came out.  Call it!)
  
  

• Best Foreign Language Film, "The Counterfeiters," Austria (Really? Got to think about this one but not for too long).
  
  
• Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men" (That’s nice, now Cormac Mccarthy can continue being a recluse)
  
  
• Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody, "Juno" (PUKE, teenagers should all have abortions – in real life there are no Jason Batemans or Jennifer Garners who are generally less wise than Ellen Page)
  
  
• Best Animated Feature Film: "Ratatouille," Brad Bird (Whatever)
  
  
• Best Art Direction: "Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street," art director Dante Ferretti, set decorator Francesca Lo Schiavo (Sure, I love Johnny Depp and Demons too)
  
  
• Best Cinematography: "There Will Be Blood," Robert Elswit (Coolness again)
  
  
• Best Sound Mixing: "The Bourne Ultimatum," Scott Millan, David Parker and Kirk Francis (Who cares)
  
  
• Best Sound Editing: "The Bourne Ultimatum," Karen Baker Landers and Per Hallberg (Who cares)
  
  
• Best Original Score: "Atonement," Dario Marianelli (Good for a good weeping)
  
  
• Best Original Song: "Falling Slowly" from "Once," Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (Nice)
  
  
• Best Costume Design: "Elizabeth: The Golden Age," Alexandra Byrne (Can’t comment, went deaf when this came on each time.)
  
  
• Best Documentary Feature: "Taxi to the Dark Side," Alex Gibney and Eva Orner (Awesome)
  
  
• Best Documentary Short Subject: "Freeheld," Cynthia Wade and Vanessa Roth (Awesome)
  
  
• Best Film Editing: "The Bourne Ultimatum," Christopher Rouse (Yeah, there were some pretty average lookers in that movies and they all got to appear tough and all sweating next moves)
  
  
• Best Makeup: "La Vie en Rose," Didier Lavergne and Jan Archibald (Yes, yes, yes, can they do me for my birthday party?)
  
  
• Best Animated Short Film: "Peter & the Wolf" (Just reporting)
  
  
• Best Live Action Short Film: "Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets)" (Nice)
  
  
• Best Visual Effects: "The Golden Compass," Michael Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris and Trevor Wood. (Okay, but Nicole Kidman’s god awful new plastic surgery should’ve knocked off a few point there, but I’ll let it pass)
  
  

 

A-List Stars Running Scared After Ashton Kutcher’s 30th Birthday Party But Kevin Bacon Wasn’t One of Them

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Ashton Kutcher , Demi Moore , Kevin Bacon , Stephen Colbert

---

Madonna, Kate Hudson, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu, Liv Tyler, Gwyneth Paltrow, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are all required to test for hepatitis after celebrating Ashton’s B-day at New York’s Socialista. The club tested positive for Hep A. I’m sure all these people will be fine. I’m just impressed they are all friends. The one person I’m suspicious about not being there was KEVIN BACON. How could he not have been invited? Well, Ashton and Demi might have forgotten to extend a welcome to the hot 80’s/early 90’s star, but Stephen Colbert didn’t forget to include the very man who completes the cycle of celebrity life as he celebrated the return of the Colbert Report writers back from the writer’s strike. For no apparent reason, as Colbert honored each reunited writer with a pencil, Kevin Bacon was one of them. That was weird, but cool. Much cooler than Ashton Kutcher turning 30. By the way, in case you were wondering the other B-day guests at Ashton’s party included Salma Hayek and her husband, Lake Bell, Molly Sims, Amy Smart, Ivanka Trump, Parker Posey, Ali Larter, stylist Rachel Zoe, and designer Roberto Cavalli. About the hepatitis, Ashton's rep Ruth Bernstein tells Star, "This is news to me. I'm going to look into it and get back to you.” Yeah, you do that Bernstein. Then come back and tell me why Kevin Bacon wasn’t invited to the “party” you bastards.

Colbert Report Writer's Reunion With Kevin Bacon

Another Rock Star Sex Tape? No. I Don't Believe It.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Gene Simmons

---

KISS frontman and Apprentice star Gene Simmons is probably choking on his enormous tongue at the moment, as a website called GenesSecret.com claims to have obtained video of the star engaging in sex with a spokesmodel for an energy drink Simmons endorses.  Simmons has been dating Shannon Tweed since 1985 and they have two children together, so aside from the embarrassment of having his flabby ass floundering all over the internet, he's probably in some deep shit with her, too.

From GenesSecret.com:

"Unmasked and revealed, we pop the lid on Gene's Secret, right here at GenesSecret.com. Watch the real rock icon play a very special performance!This isn't Shannon, this isn't the same Family Jewels that you can catch on late-night cable. This is Gene giving you his best on screen performance yet! Find out all the benefits of being the spokesperson for a the latest energy drink, Frank's Energy. Although it looks like Gene would rather gulp done one of Frank's Energy Girls!"

Hold on a minute here, there's an energy drink called Frank's Energy?  Are you kidding me?  Who knows a Frank with energy?  The name Frank conjures up images of a fat guy with a mustache sitting on his couch in a grease-stained wifebeater wacking off to Skinemax in his parents basement in South Jersey.  Frank's Auto Parts?  Yep.  Frank's Donuts?  Sure, sounds about right.  Frank's Chicken House?  Definitely.   Frank's Energy?  Ah...no.

Gene fired back on GeneSimmons.com, saying,

"Rest assured the proper legal team is looking at all ramifications and options."

Ramifications?  How about everyone having to picture you naked, chubbs?  Are we going to be compensated for these ramifications?  I certainly hope so, cause I just puked up my Frank's Chicken Wing dinner from last night.

Pregnant Angelina Jolie Goes Skiing

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Angelina Jolie , Brad Pitt

---

We take a break from meltdowns and crotch-shots for a little G-rated action with yours and my favorite celebrity family, Brad, Angelina, Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh, and Pax. US weekly reports that the happy family hopped a 14-seat private plane to Mammoth, CA, went skiing, and were back home in LA the next day. The only catch: Jolie is pregnant, and should stay off the bunny trail. “If she fell, it could hurt the baby,” Richard Frieder, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at UCLA, tells Us Weekly.  With their great wealth and genetic advantages they could probably repair any injury to the baby, possibly to the point of resurrection (if necessary).

Britney: No Visitation Or Underwear

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Today Britney Spears lost another round of her custody battle for sons Sean Preston and Jayden James (to each of whom I am donating a toy, something sturdy from Tonka). Attorneys for both sides could not reach an agreement and remain deadlocked over issues that were not made clear, although TMZ reports that K-Fed is eager now to resume visitation for Britney. 

Meanwhile, there is a fresh crotch-shot.  This doesn’t qualify as news because you’ve seen it before, but, if you’re curious, with a few deft keystrokes it can easily be found.  I assure you, her crotch has changed little since the last time you checked-in with it. 

Lindsay Lohan Poses Nude as Marilyn Monroe For New York Magazine

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Dana Plato , Lindsay Lohan

---

Lindsay Lohan goes nude in the new issue of New York Magazine in an attempt to recreate “The Last Sitting,” the iconic 1962 photos of Marilyn Monroe taken by legendary Bert Stern six weeks before her death.

I don’t know, I think LiLo looks more like Dana Plato of Diff'rent Strokes (I mean cracked out and robbing a video store) than Marilyn Monroe.  The only thing that makes Lindsay resemble Marilyn in anyway is probably owed to black-and-white photography, Photoshop, and soft focus.

Perhaps Bert Stern, who is like really old now, just can’t see anymore or maybe he is barely able to think on top of it.  Because what parallels can he draw between the two actresses?  Sure, they both had addiction issues.  Sure, they were sort of tabloid queens.  But let’s take a step back here – everyone in Hollywood has an addiction issue and Marilyn Monroe wasn’t considered a tabloid queen for stuff like doing Tony Allen, front man for Dead Stays Alive, in the bathroom of the Cirque Lodge.  Worse than that, it was only last week when our freckly vodka/champagne boozer was left without DIH by Adrian Grenier (how embarrassing) at a West Hollywood club.  According to NY Daily News:

“LiLo at first gravitated to Grenier, pulling off her red leather jacket and pulling him onto the dance floor. But when the girl he came with reclaimed the “Entourage” star, Lohan made her way over to the table where Leo DiCaprio was partying with Kevin Connolly and Lukas Haas. “She was very flirty with Leo,” says our spy. “But he wasn’t saying much to her.” DiCaprio and Grenier and their posses exited around 2 a.m., leaving Lohan with some girlfriends.”

So like I said, Bert Stern is probably suffering from bad eyesight and the inability to think (which includes following celebrity news before chosing a photo subject). Poor old man.  I hope someone at New York Magazine found his hat and slippers for him when he left the office.  There’s just no other reason why one would select Lindsay Lohan to portray Marilyn Monroe in tribute – perhaps as a bad joke in a foreign B-film by some undergrads, sure that would make sense.  If Dana Plato were alive, even she would’ve done a better job.

Madonna: Now a Quadruple Threat

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Madonna

---

A quadruple threat to good taste, that is.  ZING!  According to RollingStone.com:

"Madonna’s directorial debut, Filth and Wisdom, premiered at the Berlin Film Festival yesterday. She said 'moments of struggle' early in her career helped her identify with those themes in the movie."

Huh.  So I'm guessing the movie involves a lot of aspiring singers blowing producers all the way to the top?  Early reviews are...well, let's just say less than glowing.  Peter Bradshaw of The Guardian writes,

"She has made a movie so incredibly bad that Berlin festivalgoers were staggering around yesterday in a state of clinical shock, deathly pale and mewing like maltreated kittens. She is also the producer and co-author of the script. If she'd done the location catering as well, they'd have had a Jonestown situation on their hands."

Yikes. 

Natalie Portman's Soft (Boiled) Shoes

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Natalie Portman

---

Today's Page Six reports that Star Wars siren Natalie Portman kept a crowd of people waiting more than 45 minutes at a launch party for her new vegan shoe line at the Te Casan Store in Soho (NYC). When she finally arrived, she gave 15 minutes of interviews and then disappeared into a back room.  A spy at the event (perhaps a rep from Payless?) said the press and other guests waited impatiently for her return while they sampled Casa Lapostolle wines, chosen specifically by Portman because they are organic and byodynamic (FYI -- so is a glass of Budweiser if you leave it outside in the hot sun for a few days).   The gaunt Garden State star did indeed come back to the party, but just for five minutes before it ended.  No word in the Post article if she was wearing the shoes she is pushing, or if she dipped a pair in humus and took a bite. 

Scarlett Johansson Desperately Trying To Win Me Over

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Scarlett Johansson

---

Already one of the most beautiful women in the world (according to a poll I gave myself earlier), Scarlett Johansson is now trying even harder to win my love by releasing an album of Tom Waits covers.  Produced by TV on the Radio's Dave Sitek, "Anywhere I Lay My Head" features 10 Waits songs and 1 ScarJo original, titled "Song for Jo."  The track listing is as follows:

1. “Fawn”
2. “Town With No Cheer”
3. “Falling Down”
4. “Anywhere I Lay My Head”
5. “Fannin’ Street”
6. “Song for Jo”
7. “Green Grass”
8. “I Wish I Was in New Orleans”
9. “I Don’t Want to Grow Up”
10. “No One Knows I’m Gone”
11. “Who Are You?”

For Waits fans who fear Scarlett might be butchering some beloved classics, it seems that the man himself has given the album his blessing.  According to RollingStone.com:

“I’ve heard through friends that he’s very pleased with it and excited about it,” Jonansson says. “I didn’t want to go into it without his blessing. I sent him some of the early, early recordings that we did and he was like ‘Go ahead, go forth with it.’”

As if that wasn't bad-ass enough, David Bowie lends his vocal talents to "Falling Down" and "Fannin Street".

You win, Scarlett.  You win.  I am yours. 

 

Mariah Carey Discovers Brilliant Scientific Formula 100 Years Too Late

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

For many years now, Americans have dreaded April 15th thanks to that date being the annual deadline for filing income taxes.  Well, now there's a new reason to draw a giant F U in the center of your April calendar, for that is also the date Mariah Carey plans to release her new album, E=MC2.

I'm no scientist, but by my calculations the E stands either stands for "Enh," which is the sound of a nation collectively shrugging it's apathetic shoulders, or "Excrement."  I'm also pretty sure that the square of Mariah Carey is the monster from Cloverfield.  But what do I know, I failed Physics. 

Enjoy This Article Responsibly

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Britney Spears , Lindsay Lohan , Mel Gibson

---

I’ve often enjoyed an alcoholic drink or two...or twenty.  If given the same media attention provided to sodden-celebs, such as Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, I might also be roundly ridiculed as a poor role model to youth, lampooned and lambasted for public displays of debauchery, chastised for stumbling out blind and belligerent from one-too-many gin mills.  Other than wearing panties (knee-length boxers in my case) most of the time, the only difference, really, between me and the average Hollywood tippler is attention:  no one’s watching me when I dip my paycheck into the suds; that is, no one but the folks who are making money because of it.  Which is why I find the standard warning label now on all alcohol advertising so hypocritical: "Please Enjoy Responsibly.”  This message strikes me as so crazed and convoluted that I actually crave a shot to help me figure it out.  I'm still stumped.  Does "responsible enjoyment" mean I should merely admire the aesthetics of, say, a bottle of vodka, since after I actually drink some of the stuff I tend to forget the feelings of responsibility (job, bills, etc.) that make me want to have a slug in the first place?  And then there's a television commercial for Stella Artois I recently watched.  A bartender on a train is trying, unsuccessfully so, to pour out a perfect draft of Stella for his thirsty customer.  The problem is the rocking motion of the train does not allow him to create in the glass the right gradient of head and body.  So he leaves the car, the train comes to a dead stop, and he returns triumphantly to draw out a perfect brew.  Then the camera leaves the bar and we see that the bartender has somehow disconnected the bar car from the rest of the train.  The bar car now sits alone, most precariously, on an extension bridge over a jagged rocky bottom below.  The tag line:  “Stella:  Perfection has its Price.”  Yes, it does, responsibility. 

Herbie Goes Bananas

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

Apparently the Grammys were on last night.  At least that's what they tell me:  I was too busy watching another awesome Law and Order: Criminal Intent marathon on Bravo.  That Detective Goran, he's something else, ain't he?  A little quirky, that one.  A little off the wall, am I right?  And yet he always gets his man.  Can't beat him.   

Speaking of unstoppable geniuses, Herbie Hancock inexplicably took home Album of the Year last night for his "River: The Joni Letters" album, featuring jazz versions of Joni Mitchell songs.  After beating out Amy Winehouse, Kanye West, The Foo Fighters, and Vince Gill for the award, Herbie took a moment to collect himself, then thanked his fans and went backstage to change his diaper. 

In all seriousness, I'm very glad Herbie took home Album of the Year, especially after most of the awards went to a one-hit-wonder crackhead.  And one time this guy got me stoned and put on "Head Hunters" and it was awesome.    

Herbie Hancock Live

Amy Winehouse Wins Five Grammys Proving Drugs Are Harmless

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Amy Winehouse , Amy Winehouse

---

Amy Winehouse cleaned house at Sunday’s 50^th Grammy Awards, taking home two key trophies - song of the year for her signature hit, "Rehab," and best new artist -- as well as awards for female pop vocal solo performance for "Rehab," and pop vocal album for "Back to Black," her breakthrough release.

Winehouse wasn’t able to attend the Grammys because she was denied entry into the United States due to a visa issue last week – but she did participate via satellite, first by giving a damn good performance (she sort of looked like a robot on meds, which was awesome) and then by not forgetting to thank her music label, mom, dad, the city of London, and of course, her incarcerated husband, when she accepted her award.

I really enjoyed how Amy Winehouse snatched song of the year from Beyonce (“Irreplaceable”), Foo Fighters (The Pretender); Rihanna featuring Jay-Z (“Umbrella”); and Justin Timberlake (“What Goes Around...Comes Around”). She also kicked the asses of Canadian singer-songwriter Feist, R&B singer Ledisi, pop rock band Paramore and country artist Taylor Swift for best new artist.

It's been only like a week since Amy Winehouse left rehab.  After Sunday’s sweeping win, I think it’s high time people let her get back on crack.  It’s obvious we should start passing wafers out at schools and encouraging children to start using marijuana, the gateway drug, as soon as possible in order for them to attain the incredible talents that await when they finally make it up to crack-smoking. 

Plus, I think it's been proven that crack saves lives.  It did mine.

Congratulations, Amy Winehouse, and thank you for being a role model.  I will write a letter to the Dept. of Ed. ASAP.

Will Paris Get the Last Laugh

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 08, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Paris Hilton

---

Eons ago, when I was in third grade, I did a John Wayne impression for my fellow students during a lunch recess that brought the proverbial house down. Then I discovered that what they were really laughing at was my sitting (unknowingly) on an unwrapped Twinkie.  It was a messy but important lesson to learn:  it’s not what you say in life that counts, but what you do.  And so I’m reminded now of another mushy Twinkie:  Paris Hilton.  The Hollywood heiress is appearing in a new movie—“The Hottie and the Nottie”—that is by all accounts dreadful, demeaning, and dulling to the senses of anyone possessing the intellectual ability to brush their teeth and rinse afterward.  Critiques galore are panning her performance as beyond terminal.  But the bet here is the movie will be a commercial success; that it will draw substantially more viewers than most independent “art” films; and that Paris’s dim-bulb star will continue to flicker on—perhaps even brighter than before.  Which begs the question—who’s doing the laughing and who’s just sitting stupefied on gooey confection:  Us or Paris?  

Oh yeah, Paris Hilton was also trashed last night and sang her favorite song "Stars are Blind" at The Estate in Boston. Her boobs fell out of her dress. Shocking!

Kirsten Dunst Checks Into Cirque Lodge

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 08, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Kirsten Dunst

---

Kirsten Dunst has just signed what seems like a celebrity membership as a rehab patient at the Cirque Lodge in Utah. This place sort of reminds me of The Shining, like in the end when all those people inside the hotel portrait come to life, and Jack Nicholson is told, “You have always been here,” and the party goes on with drinks a’ flowing.  At the moment, Kirsten Dunst will find herself in the company of Eva Mendes, who is also recovering at the mountaintop facility.  In my opinion, once you’ve checked yourself in, you’re forever a member...like...in The Shining?  Other rehabie celebs include Lindsay Lohan, Richie Sambora, Mary-Kate Olsen, but the rest will remain secret until they all emerge out of the wallpaper together after a family gets trapped inside the exclusive rehab center during an awful snow storm.  If this ever happens, and my wildest dreams come true, someone will film it and it’ll be a cross between The Shining and The Rocky Horror Picture Show (in which Susan Sarandon looks really hot and then never again).

Star Magazine reports:

"She desperately needed help," a source in Utah tells Star. "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears.
"She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."

Yes, thankfully Kirsten Dunst is getting some help.  But who will help me?  And who was there for  Shelley Duvall when she was famous and about to get knifed by Jack Nicholson?  Does the Cirque Lodge only accept beautiful people?  They suck.

Paris Hilton Waiting For Writer’s Strike To End So She Can Pretend To Be A Lesbian For Cash

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 05, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Elisha Cuthberth , Paris Hilton

---

A while back, Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthberth were reported to have been macking big time at New York’s Tenjune. But shortly after the scene, Hilton’s rep said it was all a lie.

According to usmagazine.com:

“Paris Hilton will appear in an episode of the Showtime lesbian drama The L Word.

"Once the strike is over, we are going to start talks, but I am definitely shooting it," she told Usmagazine.com at the L.A. premiere of her comedy, The Hottie and the Nottie.

So will she play gay for pay?

"I don’t know yet,” she said.

For now, Hilton is content being an actress, but she told Us she is open to directing.

"Maybe one day, but right now I just like being in front of the camera,” she said.

Wow, Paris has some pretty serious career plans.  I’m not sure you can call her TV or movie performances “acting”, but, hey, whatever, we’re Americans.  We have no standards.  I can’t wait to see her directing debut.  She will no doubt direct and act at the same time, what with such obvious talent.  Maybe it will involve more lesbian scenes, but like serious ones where she has to gain like 200 lbs and get beaten up in a gang fight. 

Heath Ledger's Autopsy Results: Next 48 Hours; Tom Cruise Was Allowed To Attend Ledger’s Private Ceremony

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 05, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Heath Ledger , Michelle Williams , Tom Cruise

---

A rep for the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner of New York announced Monday the cause of the actor’s unfortunate death will be known within 48 hours.

Usmagazine.com reports:

“According to British newspaper The Daily Telegraph, Ledger's Brokeback Mountain co-star Jake Gyllenhaal (and godfather of Ledger's daughter, Matilda, 2) is expected to fly to Perth, as well as Ledger's ex, Michelle Williams.

On Saturday, a heartbroken Williams — along with Tom Cruise, Sienna Miller and other people connected to CAA (the agency that represented Ledger) — attended a private ceremony Saturday in L.A. to honor the late actor.”

I didn’t like the part about Tom Cruise being one of the grievers at Heath Ledger’s private ceremony. Is Tom Cruise even allowed to feel pain towards a non-Scientologist? – a spectator, as he refers to non-believers in his Mission Impossible Scientology video?  Also, will there be breaking news soon about Cruise suing anyone at the ceremony?  I don’t think Cruise should’ve been allowed to disgrace Heath Ledger’s memorial – at least he didn’t get to speak.  I’m sure his publicist warned him about that – or perhaps even the Church of Scientology itself.

Sam Lutfi Grand Suspect in Britney’s House Robbery; Finger Prints All Over Her Stolen Sex Tapes But He’s Not Scared

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 05, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears , Sam Lutfi

---

Well, perhaps some may accuse me of jumping the gun here, but who can disprove my strong psychic vision of Sam Lutfi’s fat white-sausage fingerprints all over Britney’s alleged stolen sex tape. Last month rumors had it that the 26-year-old pop star was on film with two other women and one man, doing what every B-list reality TV show star has been teasing the public with on networks like MTV, VH1, and Bravo, right? – what’s the big deal with doing coke, smoking pot, and having group sex. I say it’s better than video games. 

Anyway, after Britney’s house was robbed over the weekend and said sex tapes went missing, Sam Lufti (Britney’s manager and long-time friend) was not ruled out as a suspect by the LAPD. 

The same judge who granted Britney’s father, Jamie, control of the singer’s financial and personal affairs until Feb 14 (Valentine’s Day!) also issued a 21-day restraining order on Sam Lutfi.

But according to usmagazine.com:

“Sam Lutfi isn't worried about that restraining order issued against him.

"It won't last," he told Usmagazine.com shortly after yesterday's hearing, during which a court ordered Britney Spears to have no further contact — direct or indirect — with him.

Of Spears parents, Jamie and Lynne, Lutfi added, "They're never gonna be able to rule her forever."

At yesterday's hearing, it was revealed that lawyers for Spears' father have been unable to serve Lutfi with the restraining order, which was issued on Friday.

It was also revealed that, despite the court's orders, Lutfi has been in contact with the singer over the phone.

At yesterday's hearing, the court commissioner also ruled that the father Jamie and a lawyer, who are Britney's co-conservators, will remain in control of the singer's affairs, including her $40 million estate, until February 14.

A court commissioner denied a request by her co-conservators to fire the singer's custody lawyers, Trope and Trope.”

Isn’t it interesting that even though Britney Spears, our once beloved virginal pop star created by the music industry, who is now under extended psychological evaluation is still a top topic of media news?  I mean, she’s locked away.  And yet, there’s still so much drama around her.  Doesn’t that mean it’s not only Sam Lutfi’s fat white-sausage fingers pushing the shiny red buttons of the our poor ragamuffin’s life?  Rosie O’ Donnell was right on her blog – the poor girl has no one.  Not a soul who cares about her.  If I could give her a crystal amulet to ward off these emotional vampires and greedy money grubbers I would. I hope come Valentine’s Day, Britney will be her own date and love herself.

Britney Spears Objects To Father’s Legal Control Of Her Life

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 04, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Ironically after months of battling for custody of her two children, Britney Spears is now under custody of her father, Jamie Spears.  Besides appearing a little incestual, what with a pregnant teen sister and all, the whole ordeal reminds me a bit of the TV series, The Beverly Hillbillies; all Britney needs now is a crazy, rough-house grandmother to pop out of the Louisiana woodworks or swamplands or a tool shed and beat the whole family with a cane.  After that, Grandma Spears can drive the clan in a motorized buggy back to the exclusive gated community where Brit Brit lives next door to her disapproving neighbor George Clooney.

Whether or not Britney might like the above scenario, which in my opinion would be a well needed can of whoop-ass, she is certainly not happy with her father’s court granted custody over her life.   She may not have any say regarding Jamie Spears’s custody of her mind, body, and soul due to her 14 days of extended stay at UCLA Medical Center.  Psych evaluation, guys, again.  I believe in modern science, don’t get me wrong, in fact, I invented a pup-tent for my cat made of that foil-like material intended to reflect the feline’s own body heat so that it can be re-absorbed into her fluffy body – yes, I invented a system of internal greenhouse effect to save my cat’s life in case of a snow-in.  Yet, even with all this modern know-how, I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for Grandma Spears. She’s gotta be out there.

Anyways, this is the news from usmagazine.com:

“After winning temporary legal control of his daughter Friday, Britney Spears' father Jamie Spears will return to court today for another hearing on his daughter's affairs today.

The hearing could get more heated, as it is expected that Spears' attorney, Sorrell Trope of the firm Trope and Trope, will argue that Jamie should be removed as co-conservator because his daughter does not trust him.

But an insider tells Usmagazine.com that it may be an uphill battle for Trope "because what child does get along with their parents when they are locked in the psych ward?"

Adds the source, "It's going to be hard to convince the court that Britney can be taken seriously given the state that she's in."

At Friday's hearing, Jamie won temporary legal control over his daughter. He also has full control of her residence and can legally remove anyone who is staying there. A lawyer named Andrew Wallet was named co-conservator. A court creates a conservatorship when it concludes a person no longer can care for themselves or their personal and financial affairs.”

Britney Hospitalized Again, Accompanied By Entire Police Force

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Britney Spears was hospitalized again. No specifics, a cop on the scene said they were taking her to "get help".  By all means, someone help her.  But could we play it cool for once, maybe just send a single ambulance, with a two-car police escort, and call off the fire brigade?  CNN.com reported that the line of ambulances, squad cars, and other official personnel literally stretched longer than a football field as they carried her to the hospital.  Indeed, a person in a dire state should be treated urgently, but it seems that every time Britney Spears drops her Prozac behind the nightstand we bring in the jaws of life.  When we in the gossip industry say that a celebrity is having a “meltdown” it does not imply that an actual cloud of nuclear material is pluming from the celebrity’s head.  You don’t need to evacuate the valley every time Brit is exhausted. 

Nobody wake me until Paul McCartney’s dead.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30, 2008
Author: Wilfred Steptoe
Tags: Paul McCartney

---

You know it's a slow news day when the agencies start reporting things that aren't happening.

The top story on the BBC entertainment page today is the revelation that Paul McCartney isn't having heart surgery.

Reassuring as it is does it really constituter news? I mean at any one time loads of things aren't happening in the world of entertainment.

Justin Timberlake isn't dating Joan Rivers for example. Victoria Beckham hasn't seized control of Fiji in a military coup (although I know the Fijians are keeping a pretty close eye on that one) and the Baldwins don't have any plans to open a Las Vegas themed karaoke bar named Sadam's in the Baghdad district of Sadr City.

I mean I'm a big McCartney fan but even I don't wake up every morning in a cold, clammy panic that some misfortune may have befallen the former Beatle. I certainly don't paw through every news outlet in a desperate search for clarification of his good health before I'm able get on with my day.

The way it's worked in the past and fairly successfully in my opinion is that we're left to assume everything’s OK in the world unless we're informed otherwise. It's kind of a defining characteristic of news.

So come on BBC you can tell us when he's dead or at a push dying but anything short of maimed and I, for one, don't want to hear about it.

Fred Savage Will Have Another Baby!

MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Fred Savage , South Park

---

Fred Savage and his wife Jennifer Stone, spotted at the annual Directors Guild of America Awards in L.A. Saturday, told Usmagazine.com they’re “expecting baby number 2!”...

“We are so excited. We are thrilled!" he added. "We have a boy right now, but he doesn’t really get that another baby is coming. We are going to be surprised on the sex of the baby.”

I guess I’m excited too. Someone has to be.  Come on, the last time I was excited about Fred Savage was when I saw him as a celebrity on South Park’s “Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls” episode which aired August 19, 1998.  The time before that, I was excited when Fred Savage was in that movie The Wizard (1989) about Super Mario Brothers 3 and the Power Glove. 

But the first time I was ever excited about Fred Savage was when I was an extra on the set of The Wonder Years and I got to see the guy who played his brother, Wayne.  I loved Wayne.  I still do. 

Save The Whales Again! Hayden Panettiere Speaks Out In DC

MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Hayden Panettiere

---

With a warrant out for her arrest by the Japanese Government, Hayden Panettiere – Heroes star and spokesperson for the Save the Whales Again! Campaign – will be meeting with “representatives from the embassies of Japan, Norway and Iceland to question their outdated whaling practices” this Monday, according to a press release.

On Sunday she told the press:

“Whales face increasing threats from climate change, ship strikes, entanglement in nets, and chemical and noise pollution, yet Japan, Norway and Iceland continue to kill them in increasing numbers,” Panettiere said, adding, “I am looking forward to talking with officials who actually make and carry out our policies, as well as fellow young people who will be voting in the upcoming election—I want our voice to be heard.”

I am all for saving the whales.  I am glad Hayden Panettiere is going to stand up to Japan and remind the country – the very same country who introduced the world to the cuteness of Hello Kitty and other Sanrio Characters like Badtz Maru – to remember their core cutifying values and leave the whales a lone. 

Miley Cyrus is the Devil on Your Shoulder

MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Miley Cyrus

---

Everything interesting about this story turns out to be untrue, but that should not keep us from reporting here the bizarre rumors it seems to have stirred, especially since they involve the glitter-encrusted Disney creation known as Miley Cyrus (if you are reading this and are over the age of eleven: Cyrus plays a pop-singing character named Hannah Montana on a Disney program of the same name, and does spin-off concerts as both Montana and Cyrus.  Top ticket price on ebay: $1000 per seat).   

According to AP, a sixteen-year-old boy from Louisiana was arrested for carrying rope, handcuffs, and duct tape on a flight from Los Angeles to Nashville, and when later a mock-cockpit was found in the boy’s home, the media put one and one together and rumors soon spread that he was planning to hijack the plane and crash it into a Hannah Montana concert.  That hush you just heard is the sound of Marilyn Manson breathing a sigh of relief – thank God, a teenaged boy did something bad and, for once, my music wasn’t in his iPod. 

But an FBI spokesman told the associated press today that the boy had no intention, actually, of doing any of this.  He is not a fan of Miley Cyrus. 

Nonetheless, acquiring a ticket to the Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana Best of Both Worlds tour has sent some children into a fever of desperation.  Last month, a six-year-old girl won tickets to a Cyrus/Montana concert, after writing a letter saying that her father was a soldier who died in Iraq\– this turned out to be a fabrication by a heartless, if rather clever, little girl. 

While I must admit that the audience at that Ramones show I saw back in 1992 was pretty rowdy, they could never match the Machiavellian cunning and bravado of the little demons on line to see this pop starlet. 

Clooney Spooked By Terrible Presence In His Neighborhood: Britney Spears

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Britney Spears , George Clooney

---

Did you know that George Clooney and Britney Spears are neighbors? That’s okay, Clooney didn’t know either, until the night early this month when, during a “custodial dispute” she was carted off to the hospital under the strobe-lit glare of the paprazzi.  On huffingtonpost.com, today, Clooney tells the salty tale: 

"I'd gone upstairs, and I came out and I'm in a robe. All of the sudden I see all this s--t going on.  I have a guest house where my assistant sometimes is, and I think, someone has broken out of prison and like escaped, because it's a chase scene. It's something out of Die Hard.  I get my baseball bat, which is what you always get in every film – I actually think Clive Owen said, 'Get a baseball bat' – and I called up my assistant, who I thought was in the guest house, and I said, 'Are you OK?'  And she's like, 'Yes.'  And I said, 'Look, if there's someone in the place, say the word Stonehenge.'  And she's like, 'What the fuck are you talking about? I'm in my apartment.'  I go, 'You're not in the guesthouse?'  'No.'  So I'm, like, 'Well, then, what the fuck is going on?' And I go out and I'm running around with a baseball bat in my robe.  And it turns out it's Britney Spears' house is like, 300 yards from mine. So now I have to move."

It seems plausible that Clooney wouldn’t know she was nearby, perhaps Brit had never came over to borrow an egg or a cup of sugar; but then it would have been nice for Clooney to just once invite his new neighbor over for some steak tips when he was having a barbecue – that’s just good neighborly etiquette, no?  He was too much in his own world to even wave to her from his ride-on mower.  And why the hell does he own a baseball bat, is he in little league or something? 

No Illegal Drugs Found In $20 Bill In Connection To Tragic Death Of Heath Ledger But Mary-Kate Olsen Was Called Before 911

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Heath Ledger , Michelle Williams

---

The sad news of Heath Ledger’s death this past Tuesday still remains, well, incredibly sad. For me. For everyone in my office.  And for everyone else I know who works in an office.  Ledger’s sudden passing is certainly the main topic of conversation at the water cooler and in the lunch room and down each corridor.  Why?  Because the mysterious circumstances surrounding Ledger’s death makes us all feel a little lonely, I think.  There’s no doubt Ledger admirably lived a low-key life even as a rising movie star, chose respectable film roles, and tried to be a good father to daughter, Matilda.  Most of us now talking about him at our office jobs don’t really want to work at our crappy office jobs, and for the most part can’t imagine how someone as talented and young as Heath Ledger could succumb to possible suicide or depression, and yet, we all know exactly “how”.  Life can be sad for anyone.  So we feel lonely.  That’s okay.

In any case, this is the latest news relating to Ledger’s death: there were no illegal drugs found in a $20 near Ledger’s body; autopsy performed on his body reported inconclusive results; Heath Ledger’s masseuse called Mary-Kate Olsen before calling 911.

Here’s a run-down of what happened last Tuesday from Usmagazine.com:

• The masseuse who found Ledger's body called Mary-Kate Olsen twice before dialing 911.
• When Ledger's housekeeper entered his bedroom around 1 p.m. on Tuesday, she found him in bed, face down, and snoring.
• Ledger's masseuse arrived at 2:45 and called his cell phone at 3 p.m. When he did not answer, she entered the bedroom and set up her masseuse table. The Times reports, "She then went over to him and shook him, but got no response. Using his cell phone, she used a speed-dial button to call Ms. Olsen in California to seek her guidance, knowing Ms. Olsen to be a friend of Mr. Ledger’s."
• The masseuse told Olsen that Ledger was unconscious, according to authorities cited by the paper.
• Olsen called private security people. After the masseuse made a second call to Olsen, she called 911.
• The masseuse's efforts to revive Ledger were not successful.
• Emergency responders and the private security guards arrived at 3:33 p.m. CPR was administered and a defibrillator was employed.

When I heard the news of Ledger’s death, the fact that he was found by his housekeeper made me feel the worst.  Now I feel sad to know his life teetered upon the decisions of Mary Kate Olsen’s private security people and the administration of CPR by his masseuse.  A 911 call probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway - not in NYC.

More:

• Michelle Williams Arrives Home With Matilta [news.com.au]
• Michelle Williams' Father Speaks On Loss Of Heath Ledger [thecelebritytruth.com]
• Shinan: Remembering Heath Ledger [National Post]

Whatever You Say, Puffy, I Mean Puff Daddy, I Mean P Diddy, I Mean Diddy, I Mean Sean John

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

Awards Season is in full swing and Sean Combs appears to be making a strong bid to take home Narcissist of the Year, or the "Narcy," as I like to call it.  From NME.com:

"Rapper P. Diddy, real name Sean Combs and formerly known as Puff Daddy, wants to change his stage name once more.  P. Diddy has indicated that he would like to be known as 'Sean John' – the title of his signature aftershave. According to the Daily Star he said: 'I have always evolved and taken a different name each time. Right now I want to be Sean John because that’s where I am right now.'"

You know where I am right now?  Shitty Dayjob.  But that's Shi-D to you, sucka.  Wait, no, call me Hit-Day.  Strike that, call me TT-Job.  Oooh, better yet, don't call me. 

Denise Richards Tries to Do Reality Show With Her Children. Look Away.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Charlie Sheen , Denise Richards

---

Should Denise Richards star in a reality show with her two children, Sam (3) and Lola (2)? TMZ reports today that the star of Wild Things (sorry, I know she has been in something since then but nothing comes to mind) is going to court today to ask permission for her children to appear with her on a reality show – apparently, one parent must grant permission to the other before they drag their little ones in front of the camera.  Sheen has stated that he will vehemently deny such permission. 

Loathe as I am to side with Charlie Sheen, especially in this sleezeball version of Kramer vs. Kramer, it seems reasonable that the kids should stay out of the picture.  Granted, Sheen probably just wishes he had had the idea first, but he still gets a point for this one probably accidental moment of cogent thinking.  Maybe Denise thinks that her unhappy family, when shot through the lens of a reality show, will somehow become funny (like The Osbourns), but aren’t there easier ways to take the edge off – start with a vodka tonic and a milligram of klonopin.  Or try some yoga, for Christ’s sake.  Not a reality show, please. 

Listen Denise: clearly you are a little insecure right now, especially when you stack the success of Sheen’s Three and a Half Men against your own rather dismal career.  But wait, have you ever seen an episode of Three and a Half?  Sit down and watch it, you’ll feel much better about things, I promise.  You’ll see, it’s witless, and quite bad.  And have you ever met anyone who is a true, unabashed fan of Charlie Sheen?  Anyone who counts him as their favorite actor, or as a role model?  Of course not, they live in shame, and the people who openly embrace him are bizarre; check out this appraisal of him at askmen.com: 

Ask Men Celebrity Profile. 

They list among the “cool facts” about him that he once accidentally shot his ex-fiancé Kelly Preston in the arm!  Sheen scared her so badly that she is now a scientologist and married to John Travolta, and, come to think of it, her life may be more ravaged than yours is now.  So cheer up, things could be worse.

Seriously, Denise, even if you just have to temp for a while, sell some of your kitchen appliances, or get a job a KFC, there are more dignified ways to get back on the horse than to expose your children on a reality show.

 I pray for you. 

Back To Crack: Amy Winehouse Might Have a Problem

TUESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Amy Winehouse

---

Remember the good old days when rock stars could suck down 6 valium, snort a bunch of coke and ecstacy and then hit the ol' crackpipe without having to worry about whether a video of these good times would wind up on YouTube?  Ahh yes, those were the days.  Here is a video of Amy Winehouse that just hit the internet today.  Enjoy.

Note:  I would've put up a photo gallery below as well, but I'm kinda hung over and I don't think my stomach could handle it.

Amy Winehouse Smoking Crack

Witherspoon and Gyllenhaal Perfect For Each Other, But Absolutely Not Engaged

MONDAY, JANUARY 21, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Jake Gyllenhaal , Reese Witherspoon

---

They hold hands, the cuddle chastely in public, they walk next to one another with cups of hot coffee, they seem to have such a rich and deeply felt relationship – clearly they are soul mates – but let us be clear, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are not, repeat, NOT, engaged. "It's absolutely false," Witherspoon's rep emphatically reported today in US Magazine.   "There’s not one ounce of truth to it," she added.  They’re still together.  But not engaged. 

And yet, the tone of this pronouncement from Reese’s rep seems harsh, doesn’t it?  As though the star of “Sweet Home Alabama” would sooner accept a proposal from a probiscus monkey than one from Jake Gyllenhaal.  What gives?  Is he not good enough for you?  Has he not won enough Oscars?  Is he not sufficiently doe-eyed?  Does he not make a sizeable paycheck (well, more sizeable than Ryan Phillipe’s certainly)?  You’ve been dating for nearly a year where is this relationship going, isn’t it time to take it to the next level? 

Nope.  They’re not engaged.  Stop holding your breath. 

What's bugging Simon Cowell and why we shouldn't care.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18, 2008
Author: Wilfred Steptoe
Tags: Simon Cowell

---

As Simon Cowell's quest for world domination gathers momentum it should surprise none of us to hear that he's become a target for espionage.

Police had to be called to the auditions of the UK version of America's got Talent - the imaginably and, judging by the contestants I can only suppose, ironically named Britain's got Talent. It seems a bugging device had been hidden beneath the judges table and was only discovered when it began to interfere with sound equipment. Cowell is said to attribute the action to a freelance journalist and is quoted on the BBC website as Saying:

"This shows the extent to which people will go to get inside knowledge on what is going on."

             To me it is more a damning indictment of the society in which we live that people are willing to waste a perfectly good bugging device on the likes of Simon Cowell and his cronies. Not to put too fine a point on it Simon Cowell gets right on my tits! He's undoubtedly a fine business man but what he knows about music (and I mean real music) could be written on the areola of one his impressive man boobs. A quick glimpse of his back catalogue reveals his true credentials: The World Wrestling Federation, The Teletubbies and the Might Morphin Power rangers are just some of the celebrated artists that helped him make his fortune. Yet to make matters worse he routinely pontificates about the merits of a song or an artist and the viewing public, in their naivety, hang on his every word. He sits there like a naked emperor proudly showing off his new clothes and we (and I mean we in the general sense) take him seriously.

 The man is so odious that even his own trousers are rebelling against him. Sneaking higher and higher up his torso hoping to one day take his neck by stealth whereupon his belt (who's also in on it) will tighten around his windpipe and rid us of his pompous ramblings once and for all.  

Dita Von Teese Obviously On the Rebound

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Dita Von Teese , Jeremy Piven , Paris Hilton , Richard Lugner

---

Dita Von Teese is moving on up from her days as wife to goth rocker Marilyn Manson (who actually looks like this without make-up). The shapely striptease beauty will attend Vienna's prestigious Opera Ball on Jan. 31 as the special guest of an Austrian businessman, Richard Lugner.  Lugner is a 75-year-old real estate and construction mogul who takes a celebrity to the glamorous gala every year.

AP reports:

“Lugner keeps the Viennese in suspense each winter over who will accompany him to the ball. His past guests include Paris Hilton, Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson and Sarah Ferguson....The annual Opera Ball, which is broadcast live on national television, is attended by Austria's politicians and socialites, as well as foreign dignitaries. Tickets for the event are a hot commodity and sell out months ahead of time.”

Don’t worry, that’s not the end of it.  Guys, men, prepubescent boys, you might be relieved to know money still can’t buy love, at least not when you’re 75, mogul or no.  According to Page Six Von Teese is keeping her options open:

“ATTENTION, Dita Von Teese: You have a package coming from Jeremy Piven. The "Entourage" star picked out two black satin, sequined mini-dresses from the Be Seduced line for a woman he told a swag-suite clerk he had a crush on. But as he browsed at Kari Feinstein's suite at Social Hollywood in LA last week, he was forced to come clean about the identity of his "brunette and curvy" lady friend because he didn't know her size. He finally told the clerk the dresses were for Von Teese ... "He said he likes her, but it's not official yet," the employee told Page Six. Piven's rep said the duo are "not dating. He's busy shooting a movie." But apparently he's not too busy to flirt. Von Teese's lawyer, Keith Fink, told us Piven has seen her performance and he shyly said hello to her when he ran into her at an LA newsstand right before he bought the dresses. "She is single, and she's not dating, so he should step up to the plate because there's a lot of guys interested," said Fink.

Jeremy Piven is obviously a total tool, but rebounds usually are.  (More hope for you guys, men, and prepubescent boys out there).  So, you go, Dita Von Teese, you statuesque goddess, break as many hearts as you have to before you find yourself whole again.

Paps Arrested For Endangering Britney’s Life

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears , Rosie O Donnell

---

Last night at approximately 11:20 PM, eight paparazzi vehicles were busted by the police for chasing down Britney Spears in Mission Hills, CA. Four of the paps were arrested for crazy driving – speeding way over the limit and slicing across lanes – in pursuit of their usual fierce mission to snap a few embarrassingly bad photos of our favorite post-pop star who I affectionately refer to as my adorably confused ragamuffin mother-of-two.

TMZ reports:

We're also told that Britney herself told cops that one of the cars may have tried to "run her off the road," but she couldn't ID which car it was, so no action was taken. Also, we spotted her going to Kitson -- the clothing store -- at 1:30 in the morning. Yes, she made them open up the store.

Apparently, TMZ “has also learned that cops were pleasantly surprised when Britney forked over a valid California driver's license.”

Yay, for Britney, she actually did get a driver’s license.  There’s hope for her yet, except for maybe the part about her forcing Kitson to open their doors for her at 1:30 in the morning. She might’ve had a good reason though.  Perhaps she needed a handkerchief or a scarf to wipe down a few unsightly beads of sweat spotting her little round chin.

Tob.hollywood.com has today's full-story:

11:00 AM PT Update: Somehow, probably by an act of God, the victim was released from the hospital last night with only a tire mark on his arm. TMZ reports that there was not a single broken bone or no internal injuries.

8:20 PM PT Update:
We have just learned that the person that was ran over is actually not an actual paparazzo but instead someone who takes part in chases in order to “tip off” agencies about the whereabouts of celebrities. He is therefore a “spotter”. He does not work for any agency.

7:35 PM PT Update:
We were just informed the paparazzo is alive, but in critical condition. He suffered broken legs, broken arms and a broken back, according to our source.

Story developing...

An X17 paparazzi has just ran over another paparazzi on a motorcycle while chasing Britney Spears who had just come out of The Four Seasons Hotel. Our source tells us that this occurred as the caravan of chasers were making a right turn on Santa Monica Blvd. and Rexford Dr. in Beverly Hills. The paparazzi was hit by a silver range rover and was literally smashed under its wheels. From what we hear, the body went into seizure and then it just stopped moving. It doesn’t look like he made it, according to our source.

This stuff is getting out of hand, next time it might be Britney that gets hurt.”

This news only confirms Rosie O’Donnell’s psychic powers when she put two-and-two together by comparing Brit to Princess Diana in her blog in response to the mob of photogs Brit had to face when attempting to enter the downtown courtroom Monday for a custody hearing to re-instate her monitored-visitation rights to see her kids.  In Ro’s own words:

“I remember the tunnel as it appeared on the news, lit by headlights, flashlights, red lights.  Between the cement tall pillars was a heap of twisted metal.  I saw it then, and I can see it now. Diana dead...

At eight years old, she [Brit] bravely stood before a microphone.  By 17, she had sold 25 million records.  Where were the sidewalk-skinned knees, the chalk stained hands, the monkey bars, the passed notes?  A Disney set is not a childhood, no matter how many bright colors they use, or how cheerful the script.

Not a girl, barely even a woman yet, they chased her.  A mob of stalkers for whom no stalking laws have been written. Smother. Crush. Flash. Photo Credit.  Even Dr. “Get Real” Phil got in on the action. Unreal.     

83 million albums sold so far. How many pictures?    

The tunnel is crowded now [meaning the tunnel where Princess Di’s life was tragically ended).  There are only inches of separation between vulnerability and disaster.”

I agree.  This is why Starbuddies.com posted the most beautiful picture we could find of Britney Spears when we recounted the weekend of her police stand-off.  She was a very pretty girl.  It’s not fair to scare this poor child.

Christina Ricci And Ellen Page In The Same Article? Why?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Christina Ricci , Ellen Page

---

There's some article in The Guardian from Friday with this picture of Christina Ricci.  The caption: "Next little thing ... Christina Ricci (left) and Ellen Page, who is the 'new' her?” Other than seeing a picture of Christina Ricci and getting all excited, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about whatever else The Guardian had to say.  Ricci is my hero.  Ellen Page played a smug, smart-ass teenage mother-to-be/baby abandoner in Juno (a weirdly pro-life movie which I suppose could be good, but I'm only going to judge the movie on its trailer because I can’t stand to see another film by that chinless redheaded boy who was also in Superbad), but Christina Ricci, besides giving her best performance ever in John Waters’s 1998 gem, Pecker, also proved her acting range in stuff like Monster (with Charlize Theron), 200 Cigarettes, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Buffalo ’66, The Ice Storm, Addams Family Values, and come on, Mermaids?

Other news, Christina Ricci might have a boyfriend, I guess.  Don’t mind me, I’m only seething with jealousy.  But javno.com reports:

American actress Christina Ricci and her boyfriend Kick Gurry, Australian actor, are spending their time in his home town, Sydney. Christina and Kick were seen out shopping.

Well, honestly now, if Christina's happy, I'm happy.  I'm going to take a nap now.

Aussie Booksellers Fear Lawsuit Because Tom Cruise Is A Authority On The Mind According To Awesome Leaked Video

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Scientology , Scientology , Tom Cruise

---

If you live in Australia or are planning a trip there soon and would like to pick up a copy of Andrew Morton’s Unauthorized Biography of Tom Cruise for some light reading, well you might be shit out of luck. Two of Australia’s largest booksellers will not carry the Unauthorized Biography for fear of lawsuits by The Church of Scientology.

This was on the DL, but my publisher was about to release my children’s book, “Beautiful World” – a true masterpiece of pop-up castles and aliens, ending with Tom Cruise eating a sandwich by a trickling stream.  This is a big loss for humanity, because in my book, each time you turn a page an advance engram just floats away.  Thanks to The Church of Scientology and their support of censorship “Beautiful World” will never be published now, and the world’s children will all die screaming in hell.

In the leaked video (made four years ago) Tom Cruise breaks it down for you one-by-one, so you, as a “Scientology spectator”, can understand the basics. Here are some highlights:

• Tom Cruise thinks it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and it’s something you have to earn.
• Scientologists are the authorities of the mind.
• He’s not specific, but he says “This is the way things should be done...so let’s get it done.”  Besides sort of grasping the air with one hand, I have no idea what “this” way of getting things done means.
• For Tom, "it's rough and tumble, and it's wild and woolly and it's a blast... because... there is nothing better than... going out there and fighting the fight and, suddenly you see, things are better."
• Lastly, Tom gives it to you straight: "Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else; as you drive past, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one that can really help."

There’s the video with the Mission Impossible soundtrack playing in the background, because it is an impossible mission: life’s tough for a pimp, being the second in command of The Church of Scientology and all.

Johnny Depp Is The Real Deal

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Helena Bonham Carter , Johnny Depp , Tim Burton

---

Ever since 21 Jump Street, I have been infatuated with Johnny Depp. Even the fact that he was born in Owensboro, Kentucky impresses me.  The Daily Mail reports:

“Johnny Depp secretly visited Great Ormond Street Hospital yesterday to donate £1 million of his own money to thank staff for saving his daughter's life.

He arrived unexpectedly at the London children's hospital where eight-year-old Lily-Rose was treated last year when her kidneys failed.

Last week he invited five Great Ormond Street doctors and nurses to the party for the London premiere of his film Sweeney Todd.

And on November 29, unknown to the public, Depp spent four hours at the hospital telling bedtime stories to patients dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow after having his Pirates Of The Caribbean costume flown over from Los Angeles.

In March last year, Lily-Rose spent nine days at Great Ormond Street after E.coli poisoning led to the failure of her kidneys.””

I have nothing snarky to say at this moment.  In fact, I encourage everyone to see Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, directed by Tim Burton, and also staring the incredibly kick-ass and hot as hell Helena Bonham Carter.  That's all.

Gwyneth Paltrow Admitted to Mount Sinai But Has Been Released

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Gwyneth Paltrow

---

Gwyneth Paltrow was rushed to Mount Sinai yesterday. Usmagazine.com reported:

“She was slumped over in a wheelchair pushed by (her husband) Chris Martin.  "She looked not well." But a representative for Paltrow has refused to address her reported illness, telling the publication: "We are not commenting as it's a personal matter."

 According to OK! Gwyneth has been released.  No one is talking about what caused the emergency visit to the hospital, but her rep says, “Gwyneth is fine and at home - we are not commenting further.”

Many are attributing Gwyneth’s sudden health scare to her history of crazy diets.  During her brief stay at the hospital, she did request a delivery from NYC’s Organics Avenue home supply store (which included items for a “five-day live-food fast” and a white pillow).  While the “strange/possibly dangerous diet theory” is a good theory that might explain her trip to the hospital, I would like to throw in the possibility that the golden haired beauty might have been suffering from a simple case of nerves due to the release of what will inevitably be another critically acclaimed movie Iron Man this spring.  Iron Man will naturally be the next addition to her list of recent hits like The Good Night, Dirty Tricks, and Infamous. So, yeah, I’d be nervous too.  In fact, I'm so excited for her performance in Iron Man that I need a hospital myself ASAP. 

By the way, perhaps it's not nice to joke around about being taken to the hospital but since everyone seems to think Britney's much needed psychological help is a riot I think Gwyneth is fair game.  That of course, is probably just wrong too.

Iron Main Official Movie Trailer

Nicole Richie And Joel Madden Have A Daughter Who Looks Just Like Richie

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Harlow Winter Kate Madden , Joel Madden , Mischa Barton , Nicole Richie

---

Hurray, because what would happen if Nicole and Joel’s little bundle of joy, Harlow Winter Kate Madden, looks like Joel? She would have been born all in black and most likely wearing a mini round-brimmed hat.  The upside of this would perhaps be tiny Harlow Winter would be able to sing and perform like the Blues Brothers right out of Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, in LA, sliding past Christina Aguilera’s newborn baby boy, and immediately embark on a mission to save an orphanage (like in the great movie The Blues Brothers).  She’d end up in a giant car chase scene that would be for a good cause, which would further bolster Nicole and Joel’s philanthropic efforts which raised and donated €200,000 worth of gifts as part of her baby shower (and The Richie Madden Children's Foundation).

Well that’s all wishful dreaming of course, kind of, since Good Charlotte rocker and father to baby Harlow Winter Kate Madden, was quoted by People as saying the baby looks more and more like her mother each day.  What super hero strengths would be genetically passed on in this case?  I dunno, perhaps the baby will be seduced by Paris Hilton into a revived season of The Simple Life, become anorexic, then get pregnant but still look anorexic, then go on a series of interviews where her increase in weight is monitored and applauded. There will be a DUI and jail time somewhere in her life time. In the end she will start a children’s foundation, which everyone will think is very commendable, and then the godmother of her child (Misha Barton's spell-bindingly beautiful daughter) will be slapped with a DUI right before Harlow Winter delivers her own bundle of joy.

Or perhaps little Harlow Winter Kate Madden will grow up to become her own woman who will wow us when she’s 45, an age I believe when women really become women, and her reality TV star mother and rocker father will have nothing to do with any of her accomplishments.

The baby is the couple’s first child and is currently 19 inches long and growing, according to Madden’s blog.  The birth occurred last Friday.

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman Are Parents to Baby Boy

MONDAY, JANUARY 14, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Christina Aguilera , Jordan Bratman

---

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman welcome their first born, Max Liron Bratman, into the world. Usmagazine.com reports:

“Max Liron Bratman weighed 6 lbs., 2 oz. and was 20.5 inches.

Despite reports that the singer, 27, gave birth Friday, Max was born at 10:05 p.m. Saturday in L.A. 

"Today is a very joyful and special day for Jordan and I as we welcome our first son into this world," she said. (She also posted a special video of her song "Save Me From Myself," featuring footage from her wedding day, on her site.)

In a statement, her rep added, "Mom is resting and doing well!"”

This is all great news.  My only concern is with Christina’s hotness – in my opinion she started looking incredibly sexy ever since getting pregnant, so let’s hope whatever super secret hormone she’s got lingers in her system.  Also, if she does in fact know the source of her super secret hormone, she might want to give poor Britney Spears hit a of that shit while the pipe's still hot. Maybe it's not a good idea to share.  Actually Christina, don't share.  That would be gross.  Ugh.  Gross.  Sorry to have even mentioned it, peeps.

Oh Hell No!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Paula Abdul

---

Oy.  Remember when the Super Bowl actually focused on football?  Me neither.  According to RollingStone.com,

"Paula Abdul is in talks to perform at Super Bowl XLII, joining the previously announced halftime headliner Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. TV Guide reports that Abdul is currently rehearsing for a video for her duet with fellow American Idol judge Randy Jackson (for the first single from his Music Club Vol. 1), and would replicate those moves for the live performance on February 3rd."

You would think the Super Bowl Committee would have learned from the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" incident.  I wonder how the FCC is going to react when Tom Petty reaches over and reveals Paula Abdul's COMPLETELY FREAKING INSANE. 

Sylvester Stallone Boots Rumor He's Juicy

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Janice Dickinson , Sylvester Stallone

---

"Don't push it," Sylvester "Sly" Stallone's Johnny Rambo character warned in First Blood, "or I'll give you a war you won't believe.”  Perhaps jellyfish-lipped Janice Dickinson, the worlds' first “self-proclaimed supermodel”, should take heed of these ominous words.  She made waves recently by stating on a Fox News show that Stallone, her one-time betrothed, abused steroids while they were briefly engaged (early '90's--1990's, that is, not 1890's).  Dickinson said not only did she see the star "juice up” but stated that he injected her with them as well.  As per Page Six:

"He juiced me," Dickinson coyly said.  "I'd wake up and my arm was as big as Popeye.”

Stallone is furious about the accusation, saying through a rep that the claim is entirely false, and that Dickinson is only looking to generate publicity for herself.  This would not be the first time the host of "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency", a reality show appearing on the Oxygen channel, has lied when it comes to Stallone.  After their breakup, a pregnant Dickinson said he was the father of her unborn child – but DNA tests proved a different inseminator was responsible.  Let's hope Dickinson comes to her surgically-enhanced senses and drops this fight before Stallone does something really harmful to her health and well being like sending her an entire box-set of his Rocky movies to watch. 

Amy Winehouse - The ghosts of the 60s salute you!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11, 2008
Author: Wilfred Steptoe
Tags: Amy Winehouse , Amy Winehouse

---

Amy Winehouse looks set to miss next month's Grammy awards despite receiving nominations in 6 categories. The British starlet and notorious substance abuser has been warned that she won't be granted a US visa unless she can prove she is clean.  Naturally Amy isn't willing to cast aside several years of painstakingly cultivated addiction for the sake of one, all be it celebrious, awards ceremony and looks likely to remain in London and hope that the event somehow manages to muddle on without her. According to The Sun Newspaper a Source Said:           

"Her team are desperate to clean her up as the Grammy's is such a big deal. But Amy’s not so bothered."

At this point I feel I should nail my colors to the mast, I like Amy Winehouse. I've never met her, I've not even bought any of her records but there's something about her shambolic, drug riddled persona that I find strangely endearing. Even the all too common sight of her teetering half cut from a night club at 3am like a disheveled flamingo is somehow appealing. Maybe it's because her antics put me in mind of a bygone age when rock stars lived fast and had the good commercial sense to die young. It's a statistical fact that a musician in the 60s and 70s was twice as likely to choke to death on their own vomit than to die in an accident or of natural causes. I don't, of course, wish that sort of demise on Amy Winehouse but you've got to love her for trying. If only a few of her contemporaries would put in the same kind of effort the world would be a far better place - Geri Halliwell are you listening?

Bite Marks Found On Jayden James Said To Be From Brother Sean Preston

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears , Chupacabra , KFed

---

Usmagazine.com reports:

"When police arrived at Britney Spears' Beverly Hills home on Jan. 3 to investigate her custody dispute with Kevin Federline they discovered that her youngest son, Jayden James, had at least one bite and several bruises on his body... Police outside the home peered through a window and saw Spears cradling Jayden in a bathroom and observed that he was not in any immediate danger.

The source says that, though at first police threatened to break down the bathroom door, they soon learned that the door was in fact not locked and the officers were able to open the door and enter the bathroom.

After observing the bite mark and bruises on the child, police were then told by Federline's bodyguard, who had been at the home to pick up the kids, that the injuries were on Jayden before the child had even arrived at Spears' home earlier in the day, and that his older brother, Sean Preston, had actually bit him."

Okay, it’s pretty easy to deduce the source of any bite mark, just watch an episode of CSI and let the cast of model-type lab techs demonstrate the power of modern forensic science. (By the way, have you ever been in a real government crime lab? – well, there are no model types in there and the equipment’s dirty as hell and when I worked at one, I dropped at least four blood samples into other blood samples and didn’t tell anyone...and no one fired me, actually I resigned to make the world a safer place.)

Yesterday, I suggested the possibility that Britney might run into a chupacabra – a creepy animal the size of a small bear known to suck the blood out of goats, largely seen in Mexico and areas in South America – anyway, if in fact a chupacabra bit Jayden James scientists should be seizing this opportunity for important research.  I mean the Smithsonian should be all over it...what are they doing with their lives anyway?

But, more importantly, I want to know how come no one thinks it’s weird that the police threatened to beat down the door during Britney’s awful bathroom stand-off without checking the knob first?  Cripe! – that means no one’s ever going to be competent enough to capture the chupacabra.

Britney Spears Speaks With A British Accent Because She's Smarter Than The LAPD

Hey Hey, You You, I Don't Like Your Lawsuit!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

It appears that everyone's favorite little angry Canadian, Avril Lavigne, finally got that whole "totally ripping off someone else's song" thing cleared up.  According to RollingStone.com:

"Avril Lavigne has reached a confidential settlement in the lawsuit filed by Seventies group the Rubinoos, which alleged Lavigne plagarized last year’s “Girlfriend” from their 1979 song “I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend.” Lavigne maintained she had never heard the track."

To be honest, I actually believe that Avril had never heard the Rubinoos song before.  However, I'm guessing the people that write all her songs for her probably had. 

What's that, you say, Avril writes all her own songs? 

Oh, right.  Hmmm.  Well, must just be another one of those crazy coincidences.  Like that time I wrote a song called "Escalator to Heaven" and then somebody told me it sounded just like some Led Zeppelin song.  Totally bogus, man.  My song was way cooler.

 

Avril Lavigne vs. The Rubinoos

Tricky Britney In Mexico

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears

---

Yesterday, Britney Spears, who appeared to me as an adorable ragamuffin mother of two during an afternoon nap, was last reported to be on her way to New York with new boyfriend/BFF paparazzo Adnan via the Van Nuys Airport.

But wait, did we get punk’d by Brit Brit?  According to TMZ:

“Britney Spears hoaxed us all out -- sending out the word she was winging her way to NYC, but HOLA ... she's in Mexico...Video has just surfaced showing Brit driving around Mexico with Adnan” 

Maybe in Mexico she’ll encounter a chupacabra, the famed goat blood-sucking creature of South America, particularly Mexico (realistically portrayed in my favorite episode of The X-Files where Agent Mulder was especially intrigued with wacko shit), and our misguided ragamuffin will be scared straight.

After refusing to get treatment for what many experts believe to be a severe case of bi-polar mood disorder, members of Britney’s family are talking about forcing mental help upon her.  According to TMZ:

“If involuntary commitment is the only option, Brit must be picked up by cops -- again -- on a "5150," meaning she's a danger to herself or others. Then, while she's in the hospital, health care professionals can go to the County Public Guardian, who can then go to court and ask for what's called a "conservatorship." The conservator would then basically assume control of Brit's life.  If the judge grants the conservatorship, Brit could be involuntarily committed to a mental hospital. Again, that's not the only option and various alternatives are being discussed right now.”

Anyway, that sounds pretty rough.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the chupacabra, whom I’m sure Brit Brit will be more likely to listen to anyway.  It’ll probably ask her to bring it back some Lithium and Phenobarbital too.

Britney Spears used to be really cool in Mexico

Winsome Winehouse’s Blonde Ambition

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10, 2008
Author: John
Tags: Amy Winehouse , Amy Winehouse

---

In the 1953 movie musical classic Gentlemen Prefer Blondes Marilyn Monroe, as Lorelei Lee, takes umbrage when her friend Dorothy suggests she's intellectually stunted, stating, “You must think I was born yesterday.”  Dorothy responds, “Well, sometimes there’s just no other possible explanation.”  With that in mind, how to explain singer Amy Winehouse recently dyeing her famed black beehive blonde?  The blowtorch singer (blowing being the operative word) came out of hiding recently sporting a brand-new blonde do sans her trademark cone-headed dome.  Perhaps the new look symbolizes a fresh new start for the troubled chanteuse in 2008.

Britney Spears Gets A Flat And Abandons Her Car

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 09, 2008
Author: Susan
Tags: Britney Spears , DUI

---

Why is Britney allowed to drive? It was only last Thursday when this troubled wreck actually made us feel guilty for our callousness in ridiculing her very existence virtually every minute of the day when she was strapped to a gurney and taken to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and designated a “special needs” patient and put under 72-hours psychological lockdown.  But now after another baffling Brit Brit episode, our sympathy just can’t hold because we’re human and she can kill us on the road.

According to People magazine:

“The singer left her white Mercedes on a road in Brentwood, California, after she got a flat tire.

Lt David Grimes of the Los Angeles Police Department, West LA, said: "Ms Spears's car was impounded.

"Officers on the scene told me it was blocking the roadway, and that it was unsafe enough to leave at the location."

"It was towed by a private company that's contracted with the city. Her car is being held at the official police garage tow yard."

If I were just released from 72 hr psych ward lockdown, would hospital officials just plop car keys into my hand and let me hit Sunset Boulevard?  I doubt it.  Last time some indifferent orderly rolled me to the curb in a rickety wheelchair and my friend picked me up in Hyundai.

After the flat, Spears reportedly abandoned the car and took a ride with a paparazzo, presumably off into a field of dreams.  I’m hoping the good people at Cedars-Sinai gave the poor girl some decent meds.

Top Model, Dropped Charges

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 09, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags:

---

Former America's Next Top Model contestant Elyse Sewell was in an altercation last Friday with her rocker (and I use that term loosely) boyfriend, Martin Crandall, keyboardist for The Shins.  In case you're unfamiliar, The Shins are the band that made Garden State even more unbearably saccharine.  In case you're unfamiliar, Garden State is the movie that made me embarrassed to tell people I'm from New Jersey.  Yes, that, and that alone, has made me embarrassed to tell people I'm from New Jersey.   

Anyhow, both were arrested on domestic violence charges and spent the night in jail, but now the D.A. has dropped all charges.  Pitchforkmedia.com reports:

"The unfortunate sagaof Shins keyboardist Marty Crandall and ex-girlfriend Elyse Sewell came to an abrupt end today as the former couple's respective domestic abuse cases were dismissed, according to a spokesperson at the Sacramento County District Attorney's Office quoted on The Portland Mercury's blog, Blogtown, PDX.

The Mercury spoke to Diane Richardson at the D.A., who said the following: 'Both defendants have not been charged. The case was rejected due [to] insufficient evidence.'"

I don't mean to make light of domestic abuse, but come on, what did Marty do, slap her with daisies?   Berate her in falsetto?  Bore her with sweeping synth lines? 

Oh wait, they were in Sacramento?  Yeah, that would make me violent too.

Eminem Needs To Lay Off The M&M's

TUESDAY, JANUARY 08, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Eminem

---

It might be time for Marshall Mathers to drop the "Slim" from his moniker and just go with "Shady" from now on.  According to TMZ.com

"We're told Em was taken to a Detroit-area hospital for a serious heart condition and severe pneumonia. Sources tell TMZ Em's weight has ballooned to over 200 lbs.

Eminem 's publicist told TMZ: 'Over the holidays, Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem, was under doctor's care at a Detroit-area hospital for complications due to pneumonia. He has since been released and is doing well recovering at home.'"

I could be wrong, but I'm guessing Marshall found a couple boxes of Twinkies while he was cleaning out his closet.  That's where I used to keep 'em.  Sorry mama.

Tom Cruise’s Forthcoming Unauthorized Biography Proves He’s Insane (Again)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 08, 2008
Author: Wilfred Steptoe
Tags: David Beckham , Katie Holmes , Nicole Kidman , Scientology , Scientology , Suri , Tom Cruise

---

Accusations attributed to a forthcoming biography of Hollywood galactico Tom Cruise have been described as “nutty” by his lawyer. The biography by British author Andrew Morton was further branded as “tried lies” with one particular claim labeled “absolute hogwash.”  Whatever, if the words “nutty” and “hogwash” are all you can come up with in defense against a book that gives the world informative, thorough, blow-by-blow accounts of “crazy” by Cruise and his spawn, well, that makes you one, a bad lawyer, and two, a liar.

The Daily News reports Morton’s book claims:

• Cruise has become the de-facto 2nd in command of the Church of Scientology.
• Cruise threatened Nicole Kidman with the release of sex tapes if she spoke out about their broken marriage.
• Cruise has recently been assigned to recruit the Beckhaminto the Scientology fold.  (That’s an easy one since Victoria Beckham already looks like an alien)

The former Mission Impossible star remained tight-lipped about the accusations but his lawyer, Bert Fields, has chastised Andrew Morton stating “the man should be ashamed of himself and so should his publisher [St. Martin’s Press]”  Again, bad lawyer, “chastising” and “shaming” can hardly be considered sweat-beating badass lawyer moves – the man needs to get some skills.

Andrew Morton himself is a controversial figure having gained notoriety with his dubious 1992 biography of Princess Diana. He was once described as “loathsome” by Sir Bob Geldof (expletive probably deleted) and as a “specky little tit” by his own mother (speculation). 

In one of the more offensive passages of this recent biography Morton allegedly likens the birth of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter Suri to Rosemary’s Baby.  Cruise is thought to be considering legal action on the grounds of defamation of character. The Devil is rumored to be considering a similar course of action.

Jacko Might Be Backo!

MONDAY, JANUARY 07, 2008
Author: Francisco
Tags: Michael Jackson

---

Yes indeed, it appears that the hideously deformed mound of flesh formerly known as the King of Pop is making a comeback.  According to Gigwise.com,

"Michael Jackson is expected to announce a thirty night residency at the O2 Arena in London, according to reports. The performances, which will take place later this year, will form part of Jackson's first tour in over a decade. According to the News Of The World, Jackson will earn £30 million from the shows - £1 million a night. If it happens, the residency will exceed Prince’s 21 shows at the same venue – formerly the Millennium Dome – last year. Jackson is currently working on a new studio album alongside Black Eyed Peas star will.i.am, and recently collaborated with Kanye West on a remix of his infamous track, ‘Billie Jean’."

So let me get this straight...I now have to pay to hang out with Michael for 30 nights in a row?  Man, things sure have changed since I was a little kid. 

Anyway, word on the street is that Kanye's re-mix of "Billie Jean" features Michael fessing up and admitting that the kid is, in fact, his son.  No comment so far from the kid, who is no doubt incredibly embarrassed by his father.

 

 

Weekend at Britney's

SUNDAY, JANUARY 06, 2008
Author: David
Tags: Britney Spears , Dr. Phil

---

How could we have missed the signs? The shaving of the head, the performance at the VMA awards, the fact that she her did her last-minute Christmas shopping at a Rite Aid (jumbo Snickers bars for all this year).   As the Brit saga reaches levels of bat-shit mania that no psychic or psycho-pharmacologist could have predicted, Starbuddies takes a moment to give you the meltdown-rundown, a blow-by-blow of Brit’s very busy weekend:

1/3/08, early evening

Brit is enjoying some monitored visitation with sons Sean Preston (2) and Jayden James (1).  Just before 8:00pm, the monitor says “time’s up,” and removes Sean Preston from the house.  As she is strapping him into her car, the door to the house mysteriously locks behind her. 

1/3/08,  8:00pm

There is a “custodial situation” at the Britney homestead, the cops are called.  They arrive to find the monitor locked out of the house.  She doesn’t have on-hand the proper paperwork to allow them to enter the house, so...

 1/3/08, 9:20pm

K-Fed’s lawyer brings the paperwork, and five police cars.    

1/3/07, 10:30pm

The cavalry is called in -- more than a dozen cops, as well as two ambulances and some fire trucks descend on what appears to be an all-out Branch Davidian hostage situation.  Britney’s cousin Alli and Brit’s assistant Carla exit the house, leaving the miserably unstable pop-star alone with Jayden James.

1/3/07, 11:45pm

The cops break in and remove Jayden, while medical professionals strap Britney to a gurney and then tuck her into an ambulance.  She smiles briefly for the camera, but then her face relaxes into an expression of anguish.  The ambulance shuttles her to Cedar-Sinai Medical Center.  Jayden is brought to the hospital in a separate vehicle. Miraculously he is fine (if still a little scarred by his Rite Aid Christmas gifts).    

1/4/07, 12:30am

Brit is placed on lockdown for 72-hours of mental observation.  Officers claim that she was “under the influence of an unknown substance”, although the pop star would later test completely clean for drugs. 

1/4/07, 6:00pm

A court commissioner grants sole legal and physical custody to dad-of-the-year, Kevin Federline.  Brit’s visitation is completely suspended. 

1/5/08, 11:00am

Doctors and professionals at TMZ speculate that Brit has “some sort of bi-polar disorder”.   

1/5/08, 11:30am

Nothing left to lose, Brit’s parents ask Dr. Phil to pay Brit a hospital visit.  She completely ignores him, and by all reports rejects his counsel and tosses him from the room – the first sign of sanity from the pop star in twenty-four hours, so...

1/5/08, 1:00pm

Hospital staff release Spears, she is no longer a danger to herself or others.  If Dr. Phil had entered my hospital room, I would have pulled out my IV and jumped out the window.  We are completely with you on this, Brit, and if you need Starbuddies to testify on your behalf at future custody hearings, just click the “comments” button at the top of the page and we’ll work something out.

1/6/08

Brit’s parents agree to appear on Dr. Phil to talk about their out-of-control daughter.  Hit me baby one more time. 

We all have had bad weeks, but you wake up the next morning, you get yourself a strong cup of coffee, and soldier on, Brit.  Your ejection of Dr. Phil from the hospital bedroom gives us hope, and a reason for me personally to go on and face Monday. 

In the Name of Tila Tequila

SATURDAY, JANUARY 05, 2008
Author: John
Tags: A Shot At Love , Tila Tequila

---

If only Karl Marx’s theory that religion was the “opiate of the masses” still rang true. That would make my parents happy at least.  Instead, it seems that Reality Television has muscled God aside as a placating, if not mind-numbing, device for the rabble, and no one sits higher on the proverbial pulpit right now than Tila Tequila.  Her MTV show, “A Shot at Love”, raked in viewers during its first season all the way to the final episode, in which the bi-sexual siren promised her heart to a man, Bobby Banhart, over a woman was one of the channel’s highest rated of the year.  So it’s no surprise that MTV is bringing back A Shot at Love for another year—not because of the promise of oodles of advertising dollars, mind you, but as a source at the station suggested, to give Tila another chance at finding a soul-mate.  Alas, she and Mr. Barnhart, after not seeing each other for several months following the airing of the last show, have parted romantic ways.  While it’s rather meaningless to point out hypocrisy in such a vapid medium (like handing out soy snacks at a slaughter house), still we feel amiss not to mention (again) that Ms. Tequila is rumored to have a long-term steady (a guy, no less) hidden away somewhere (the MTV version of the Witness Protection Program).  But please let that not stop you from tuning in when the series starts up again—it is called faith, you know.

Heather Mills Makes Vegans Look Bad

SATURDAY, JANUARY 05, 2008
Author: Wilfred Steptoe
Tags: Heather Mills

---

Heather Mills has been splashed all over the British press for exalting the benefits of rat’s milk as an alternative to the embarrassingly passé cow variety. Taking her turn at Speakers Corner in Hyde Park, central London, a platform which served as political stage for historical figures such as Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, George Orwell, Mills demonstrated she doesn’t know the difference between an animal and a plant.

“Eighty percent of global warming comes from livestock and deforestation. I'm not telling people to go vegan overnight. But if they stop drinking their cows' milk lattes, maybe this sort of thing won't have to happen...There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?" she said.

According to the Telegraph, Mills sported a T-shirt with the moniker, Vegan, you can't get greener.

Besides the question of how one would get their hands on planet-saving rat or dog milk, I think the last time I checked, drinking any kind of milk makes you “not a vegan”.

There seems to be no depth to which the symmetrically challenged former wife of a Beatle and star of “Dancing with the Stars” re-runs won’t stoop for a gulp of publicity. Of course it goes with out saying that her remarks were taken wildly out of context, but the British media has never been one to let the facts get in the way of a good story - so why the hell should we? Rat latte anyone?

Mischa Barton's a Lucky Girl

FRIDAY, JANUARY 04, 2008
Author: Chorn
Tags: Mischa Barton

---

The pasty-thin king of the greasy soul patch, Whitestarr frontman Cisco Adler, was overhead at the recent opening of night club Home in St. Louis saying he felt bad his former flame Mischa Barton had been arrested for DUI (she was pulled over after her car was seen by police weaving erractically; the cops then found pot and cocaine inside the vehicle). According to a source at Home , Adler was busy telling pals, including That 70's Show Danny Masterson, that Mischa, the Keds spokesperson and sometime actress, looked "hot in her mug shot."   Love is indeed blind....drunk, that is.

The Hills Have Dull Eyes

MONDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2007
Author: John
Tags: Brody Jenner , Heidi Montag , Lauren Conrad

---

Brody Jenner denies in Seventeen that he's a serial skirt chaser.  “I’m not a Casanova,” he states, “I just happen to have a lot of friends who are girls.”  While we imagine most of the magazine’s adolescent readership might equate Casanova with actor Heath Ledger, who portrayed the Italian lothario in a recent film bomb, the notorious nymphomaniac (Casanova, not Ledger), we’d like to point out, was a man of other interests and talents.  In fact the Venetian-born Casanova--an adventurer and author--is now regarded as one of the most authentic sources of the customs and norms of European social life during the 18^th century.  But perhaps there is reason to compare the two men:  Like Casanova, who consorted with European royalty and was well known to thinkers and artists such as Voltaire, Goethe, and Mozart, Jenner, who has made his celebrity bones through the reality television show "The Hills," has also surrounded himself with powerful minds, such as co-stars Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, and Spencer Pratt. 

The Tom Cruise Charm School

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2007
Author: David
Tags: Katie Holmes , Tom Cruise

---

Gents, you know how important it is to complement your woman at least seven times a day, even if only to say how beautiful she looks while flossing her teeth. Actually, if you’ve used that one, then you may be running out of material.  So, for some pointers, I advise reading the upcoming interview in In Style magazine with Katie Holmes, who reveals a little of the down-right sexy romantic banter between herself and hubby Tom Cruise.  Surely if anyone knows how to romance a woman, it’s the star of Rainman. 

Katie says in the interview:  "[He] likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush. He'll say, 'You look good. I hope security's going with you.'"

See how smooth and at-ease Cruise can be with the opposite sex?  That comment about the security detail was not remotely awkward or a little forced.    

I know, there is a rumor that Cruise is gay, and Holmes surely has her eyes wide shut to the truth about this guy.  But look, he has married or dated some of the most beautiful women in the world.  He has even fathered a flesh and blood child with one of them.  He has convincingly played some of the most butch, I mean, masculine characters in recent film history – Maverick, the guy from Magnolia, the guy from War of the Worlds.  It would take a very skilled homosexual actor to evoke such a display of unbridled heterosexuality, don’t you think? 

So read In Style magazine for the very straight story on Tom Cruise, and if you take some of his useful tips on how to talk to your woman, they just might make a more impressive heterosexual out of you as well. 

Another Reason to Sign Up for Channel Blocking

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2007
Author: John
Tags: Pamela Anderson , Rick Salomon

---

"The quantity of civilization is measured by the quality of imagination," wrote Victor Hugo in Les Miserables.  So it is with numbed alarm we report of a new reality series starring Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon to air on the E channel.  Pam and Ricky (her third husband) will produce and star in the as-yet-utitled project (expanding on the Hugo theme, may we suggest "The Hunchbacks of Las Vegas"), which an industry insider told Us Weekly will be a "crazier" version of MTV's Newlyweds, the vehicle that shot Jessica Simpson into stardom and Nick Lachey into Vanessa Minnillo.  The former Baywatch bombshell and the man who made millions filming a sexual encounter with Paris Hilton, are taping scenes of their daily Sin City life:  partying, gambling, even working with the homeless (Might Pam flash fellows in the soup line?).  We guess the marketing catchline for the city--"what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"--doesn't apply to this show.  Too bad.

“Futch” You

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 06, 2007
Author: John
Tags: Dani Campbell , Rodney Dangerfield

---

The run-away star on “Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” is lesbian firefighter Dani Campbell from Florida. Not only has her Myspace “friends” list grown--since the reality series first aired a month back--from 200 to 30,000, but celebs such as Margaret Cho (writing on her blog) have extolled the delectable mix of masculine and feminine attributes the smoke eater herself calls: “Futch” (pronounced “footch”). Ms. Tequila (real last name Nguyen), an avowed bi-sex ual (but rumored heterosexual, with a long-term boyfriend kept in the closet, so to speak) has chosen Ms. Campbell as one of two finalists for “her love